a bit of resentment last night. it's okay, i'm human and imperfect and it happens. luckily, it happens less often now due to the fact i'm not under the influence of alcohol. and i should specify, that being under the influence of alcohol doesn't necessarily mean drunk, it means, because of the all the alcohol use, i was under the 'influence' of alcohol because of what it does to your brain function, central nervous system and overall mental health. anyway, i'm human; that much is clear.
i went to a meeting last night. one of my regular ones i go to and enjoy very much. it is for the 'beginner', but anyone can come and there are times when people who have a gazillion years of sobriety come just so that they are reminded of what it's like to start off in sobriety. a refresher course if you will. the person that was chairing had a wonderful story and very inspirational to me. a young fellah, who got sober at the age of 16!!! can you imagine that? and he is in his early 20s now. i really was in awe of him and although he didn't get sober by choice, he did it and has STAYED sober. that is what is so amazing to me and such a gift. he wasn't my resentment by the way.
during a beginners meeting, or at least the one i attend, we read a chapter out of one of our books, listen to the chair person then anyone who wants to share according to their length of sobriety can share. after reading, and listening to the chair person the meeting was opened up to one day to one month of sobriety. a woman spoke, all was fine. then a gentleman started to speak. here is where it gets me heated (and i should preface this by saying, it is MY issue, NOT his). he spoke of how he came to a meeting last week under the influence of alcohol (for those of you that don't know, there is no rule that says you can't do that, AA is there for those who desire to stop drinking; you do not necessarily have to be sober) and as he was talking i could just tell something wasn't right with him then either. now, i'm not judging and this is where it may seem like i am or being hypocritical or just a plain ol' bitch.... but as he is speaking, nothing he said was making sense, he almost fell out of his chair and a cough syrup bottle fell out of his pocket and rolled under his chair. he quickly picked it up and put it back...meanwhile he is speaking as if he hasn't had a drink since the end of last week. this is what is so horrible about this disease, you go back to your old ways faster than you can say rabbits in a pea patch, and you aren't fooling anyone. you lie and pretend. i was absolutely horrified and uncomfortable that i got up and left. and when i left, i felt a huge resentment towards that person for 'chasing' me out of my meeting. so here's the thing, for me, at this point in time, AA is a safe place for me to go. i don't want to see some one under the influence, if i did, i'd go and pull a bar stool up at one of my old favorites. but you see, he has EVERY RIGHT as i have EVERY RIGHT to be at that meeting because it is about the desire to stop drinking. and he does have the desire, he keeps coming, whether he is sober or not, he shows up. how can i resent that? after much thought, i realized it wasn't him that i resented it was the feeling of uncomfortableness that i resented and that i couldn't handle it and left. i am no better than he is, and although today i don't have any plans to pick up a drink, who's to say i won't at some point today or tomorrow for that matter? i have to keep doing what i'm doing.
i had to honor my feelings and leave. i hope there will be a time in my sobriety when that type of situation won't make me uncomfortable and i can stay. there certainly was a lesson to be learned. as a side note, this isn't the first time that i had been in a situation where there was someone under the influence at a meeting. it has 'happened to me' (meaning i was at the same place at the same time as this other person) several times before at a particular meeting i go to, and this person will say they haven't had a drink but are still 'druggin' and they go up and get a 24 hr sobriety chip. now, that does kinda burn my biscuits. is that really being sober? it's up for interpretation. they are sober from alcohol. do i care if he is druggin'? not really, i'm not addicted to drugs. but what gets me is that this person speaks the speak in a meeting and clearly they are high on something. that is when i form a resentment, it's like...can you at least just come to the meeting clean then get your drug on afterward? but then again, they got their butt to a meeting, so who am i to make that call? who am i to be resentful of this persons actions when in reality, it is none of my business, it does not affect me in a real way and they have the desire to stay sober.
who am i? i am just a drunk trying to stay sober one day at a time, the best i can...to vent, so that it doesn't snowball into something else, to ask for help when i need it and to be a kind human being. so while i had a resentment because of a feeling that i felt, that's my problem, not his or anyone else. it is about learning to separate and figure out what is really going on in that short circuiting brain of mine.
so today when i talk to my higher power (again), i will ask for them to help the sick and suffering, not only because i am one, but there are others out there still.....and we could all use a hand.
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