it is mentally exhausting changing. it's like constantly running...like forrest gump or one of those people that walks/runs across the US to bring awareness to a cause, yet i can't stop running. if i stop, i'm done. a slow jog would be great right about now, but i suppose my HP has other plans for me. not particularly fond of the other plans and quite frankly i'm holding a bit of a resentment towards my HP, but in time, it will be revealed why i have to go through what i am going through.
being uncomfortable with being uncomfortable is one of the most powerful struggles i have gone through to date during sobriety. how do you handle that? you have to live it, accept it, feel it and sit with it until it goes away. being present, i suppose. i rather be present when everything is pleasant, but that isn't life. when did i lose the ability to deal with life in a healthy way? did i ever have the capability to do so? i can't answer that. all i know is that the sun rises and the sun sets; everything else is a mystery.
i am still a mom, i am still a wife and i'm still 'me'. but i don't know who the fuck i am. i truly have no idea. some days i think i do, and come to find out, i don't. all i know is i'm a recovering alcoholic. that doesn't necessarily define me, but it does put some sort of identification to the personality. getting sober with kids and a man you have been with for 14 yrs is hard. it is excruciating at times. putting yourself first so that you can be the mom and the wife is not an easy task. it goes against my nature and probably a lot of other womens nature as well. we are caretakers. we give ourselves away (or at least i do) to others first and then we are the afterthought. i guess i should speak for myself. that's how i feel and that is how i've always operated. i have 36 years of thinking to undo. i can turn any situation into my fault. why? that's all i know. some days i feel like i just came out of a coma and i am re-learning every single thing about being alive. no joke. trying to remember to eat, trying to think things through, trying to take care of my basic needs in general and then add the family to that and it's overwhelming at best. god knows i'm not the only woman in recovery going through this. i do know that. and today when i lost my shit and started blubbering in my meeting and ran to the bathroom, three women immediately came in to comfort me. i've had texts all day from friends in the fellowship and phone calls making sure i am alright. today is '5 minutes at a time' kind of day. i am hanging by a thread and ready to fall into the abyss.. but i have to remember that i have a ladder of people to keep me up. even though i don't care right now, they do. how is that? it's amazing. i just don't know.
i just have to get through today. i just can't have a drink today. i have to feel the uncomfortableness today. i do. no one ever died of being uncomfortable..just like no one ever got pulled over for fat driving (would love to take credit for that one, but it's in an AA book). 5 minutes at a time. that is all i am capable of today and i have to have to have to accept that. i can NOT do it all and do it all the time. i can't. and no expects that of me other than me. character defect 101.
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