Sunday, February 27, 2011

PSA: READ CAREFULLY

here's what i think. i think if you are a woman, and you are in recovery for an addiction issue that you should be spared PMS. i mean, seriously it's a double whammy. you are already a freaking mess and then once a month you are a naturally a raving, homicidal maniac (ok, i am) and you must deal with that nonsensical unreality or reality. good god. PMS for me is just ridiculous. it's better now that i'm not drinking (i.e. less urges to actually throttle random strangers, poison my family, kick babies) but the waterworks make the hoover dam look like a pond.  my poor kids think all i do is sleep and cry. they are gonna grow up with a sober mom but think she was the laziest and saddest woman on the planet. poor kids can't catch a break. 
so i'm sober, i'm pmsing, clearly i need chocolate. always had a sweet tooth but now i'm on the hunt constantly to satisfy that craving.  here i am at super wal-mart (as i've stated before, it's not that super) and there is so much stimulation, people watching, trying to find what you are looking for because it's been moved twice in one week, they have sample product placements in the middle of the smallest isles and off goes my cell phone. it's my sponsor. okay, so i know i can't drive and talk on the phone. i just don't do it. i forget i am driving a piece of machinery. i'll start digging in my purse while chatting, swatting at kids so they'll pipe down; bottom line, it's a no go.  yeah well can't shop and talk either. learned that lesson the hard way. 
chatty kathy here on the phone with my sponsor in super wal-mart, looking for things, bumping into displays, sobbing and i get to the coffee/tea isle.  we needed coffee, grabbed that. and i wanted more herbal tea. i drink a lot of mint tea but low and behold i see the word CHOCOLATE on a box of tea. it danced and sparkled in my eyes; i must have this, i thought! a way to curb my sweet tooth without all the sugar and calories. throw it onto the heaping cart that i am unable to push with one arm (no i didn't lose it, i was still on the phone).  so fast forward a day or so. 
having a sweet craving so i bust out the tea. now, i always, always put two tea bags in one cup. cause hey, one is never enough for this addict.  make myself a cup of chocolate tea (2bags)...not bad. slightly nutty, nice cocoa flavor, okay i'll have 7 more cups (2bags each) throughout the day.  whatever, it's tea. 
wake up the next morning in excruciating pain. i'm dying. my appendix needs to be removed. i'm in labor. i have food poisoning. i don't know, but my HP pulled my number and this is the end for me. next thing i know i'm doing the 50 yard dash to the bathroom.....for the next oh, 12 hours.  whilst running to the bathroom and losing various internal organs to the sewer system, i continue to drink more tea..gotta stay hydrated! i don't know, something made me actually LOOK at the box the next time i went to make tea. uh yeah...it said:
Chocoalte
Smooth Move
stimulant herbal laxative
they had me at FREAKING chocolate and i never read the rest of the bold capital letters. not sure hellen keller would have missed that.
see none of this would have happened if a) i wasn't pmsing b) i wasn't in recovery and c) if i could talk and shop at the same time. yes, i am projecting all of this on non tangible situations because i am an idiot.  i am now on a waiting list for a sphincter transplant. like i've said in another place, tmi? i think not. it's a public service announcement.  ALWAYS STOP AND READ THE LABELS VERY CAREFULLY!

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