this floundering fish out of water thing is supposed to be a normal feeling after some sobriety. find a new hobby they say...fill your time with something different they say...make phone calls...get more involved...this and that. well here's the thing, i don't trust too many people and i really don't trust women. i have met many nice, friendly women but i truly don't get that feeling that i can be 'me' with them. my 'me' isn't i suppose a typical woman. maybe not.. but i have always had better friendships with men, gotten along better because there isn't that cattiness or gossipyness. and not to mention i don't want to be rejected (who does?). so my sponsor who i really like, unfortunately is only in RI part of the week. we talk by phone every day and she keeps suggesting i ask someone to coffee. do you know how fucking ridiculous that makes me feel? now if i were to ask them to go get a drink, that would feel normal. i am so out of my comfort zone my anxiety level is getting pretty high again and it's making me paranoid and not wanting to go to meetings much less share. my sponsor keeps suggesting i talk about this in a meeting. 'uh, hi my name is....and i'm an alcoholic...i'm feeling pretty lonely and disconnected cause i'm afraid to reach out and ask someone to go out for coffee'....uh, loosah?? you know, with men, not all men, but they bust balls, they curse, they talk frank. yes, i have found some women that do that too in the program, but they work full time and have families too. my sponsor says all this is normal. that this means really that the program is working because i don't have all this chaos around, i am uncomfortable because this is all new. hell, no one even knows my story including my sponsor. and not that everyone needs to know, but i do feel like it's a road block in my recovery. and who am i gonna trust telling it too? let it go, keep it simple...but with my brain i'm looking for what i'm doing wrong or not doing. it is just frustrating. i don't want to screw this up but i can't get out of my own way. i haven't been able to completely give my will over to my higher power. i need to pray more...i need to pray for willingness to let this program work..i need to be present. so yeah, i know all this but can't get it to come to fruition. i can't fucking let go and let it be. cripes.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
no effing joke
i just came back from a meeting....found out that a wonderful, vibrant, hysterical, honest woman, with many years sobriety 'went out' either xmas eve or day and died. overdose of drugs and alcohol. i saw this woman every week and listened to her speak and always took something she said home with me.
this disease is no fucking joke. it will kill you if you let it. it doesn't matter how long of sobriety you have, how long you drank before you got sober. it will fucking kill you. this is surreal and absolutely devastating. i didn't even know her and yet, she is gone. her four kids are motherless, her husband a widow.
the sadness, confusion and reality of this news is completely overwhelming and a slap in the face to fucking wake up and do the right thing. my thoughts and prayers to her family.
this disease is no fucking joke. it will kill you if you let it. it doesn't matter how long of sobriety you have, how long you drank before you got sober. it will fucking kill you. this is surreal and absolutely devastating. i didn't even know her and yet, she is gone. her four kids are motherless, her husband a widow.
the sadness, confusion and reality of this news is completely overwhelming and a slap in the face to fucking wake up and do the right thing. my thoughts and prayers to her family.
to AA or not to AA
ya know, i don't know if it's winter, or what, but i'm just blah. i'm feeling all out of sorts like i don't belong anywhere. i enjoy AA but i'm not really connecting with anyone. everyone there is absolutely wonderful, don't get me wrong, but i just feel like i'm the kinda girl that needs AA but for the foul mouthed, perverted kinda gal. ya know? like i just don't feel like i am able to make connections with women. they are all wonderful, seriously, but what do i have in common with them other than being an alcoholic?, some would say i am being resistant or that i'm not getting involved enough, and they are partially right. but i don't have a lot of time to get involved. the resistant part i suppose i should work on. pray more? i just don't know. round and round we go.....it just all goes back to that lonely feeling. being lonely when there are people everywhere. oh god, i hope i don't make anyone slit their wrist with this blog....sheesh.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
random act of kindness
christmas has come and gone; and i survived.
christmas eve was lovely and i was able to host it in my home. yesterday morning was glorious to wake up, hangover free, and enjoy all the sights and sounds of the kids with their gifts. later in the day we went to my in-laws for dinner, which was really wonderful. i did go to a meeting at noon just to have a little extra support. i left a bit early from the in-laws, not because things were bad, but i was just exhausted. even though there was alcohol there, i did pretty well, but towards the end i started really eyeballing it all and getting a bit pitty party on myself because i couldn't have any. it was by no means a drunk fest, but a glass or two would have been nice if i wasn't an alcoholic. but i left early (had plan b) and drove home listening to music and got a bit emotional. in general, life is overwhelming right now. not necessarily in a bad way at all, but again, i never know how i will feel. i was missing my mom, i was just feeling alone in general. after being home for a while, i got into my pjs listened to some music and got everything ready so that when the husband and kids got home we could put them straight to bed. when my husband got home, he asked if i had checked the mail friday and i said no, i had forgotten. so he went to get the mail, and i had been teary talking to him, and he said 'you need to open this right now' and handed me a package. the return address said: From: A Card Carrying Member Of The D***** Fan Club; Wishing Her Joy and Peace This Christmas...addressed to: The Fabulous D****..immediately, i start crying. who would take the time and send me something and on top of it address it in such a loving and supportive way? so i opened it up and inside delicately wrapped w/ a note that said 'this should get you through the next few days' was a magnet that said:
She stood, knee deep in tears, afraid that the delicate balance of the universe could never be restored. You are one person, but you are not alone said the universe. The world is held in place by the love and compassion within us all.
my crying at that point was cathartic. it was like that was written just for me. my insides were burning with love and appreciation. i really have never had someone do something so random, so kind or thoughtful before. my first thought of who might have sent it was right....but i didn't know that till later. and this person is an incredible woman herself. there are no coincidences....we would have never met if either one of us hadn't gone through certain things and ended up at the right place at the right time so to speak. and here we are two years later with a very special bond and friendship. although we don't see each other too often, i went through something with her and now she is here for me. that my friends is the beauty of a real friendship; it doesn't end, it is reciprocal and circular. so i thank this person so very much for being my cheerleader, for knowing me pretty damn well and being so selfless. your act of kindness will never be forgotten! xoxoxoox
christmas eve was lovely and i was able to host it in my home. yesterday morning was glorious to wake up, hangover free, and enjoy all the sights and sounds of the kids with their gifts. later in the day we went to my in-laws for dinner, which was really wonderful. i did go to a meeting at noon just to have a little extra support. i left a bit early from the in-laws, not because things were bad, but i was just exhausted. even though there was alcohol there, i did pretty well, but towards the end i started really eyeballing it all and getting a bit pitty party on myself because i couldn't have any. it was by no means a drunk fest, but a glass or two would have been nice if i wasn't an alcoholic. but i left early (had plan b) and drove home listening to music and got a bit emotional. in general, life is overwhelming right now. not necessarily in a bad way at all, but again, i never know how i will feel. i was missing my mom, i was just feeling alone in general. after being home for a while, i got into my pjs listened to some music and got everything ready so that when the husband and kids got home we could put them straight to bed. when my husband got home, he asked if i had checked the mail friday and i said no, i had forgotten. so he went to get the mail, and i had been teary talking to him, and he said 'you need to open this right now' and handed me a package. the return address said: From: A Card Carrying Member Of The D***** Fan Club; Wishing Her Joy and Peace This Christmas...addressed to: The Fabulous D****..immediately, i start crying. who would take the time and send me something and on top of it address it in such a loving and supportive way? so i opened it up and inside delicately wrapped w/ a note that said 'this should get you through the next few days' was a magnet that said:
She stood, knee deep in tears, afraid that the delicate balance of the universe could never be restored. You are one person, but you are not alone said the universe. The world is held in place by the love and compassion within us all.
my crying at that point was cathartic. it was like that was written just for me. my insides were burning with love and appreciation. i really have never had someone do something so random, so kind or thoughtful before. my first thought of who might have sent it was right....but i didn't know that till later. and this person is an incredible woman herself. there are no coincidences....we would have never met if either one of us hadn't gone through certain things and ended up at the right place at the right time so to speak. and here we are two years later with a very special bond and friendship. although we don't see each other too often, i went through something with her and now she is here for me. that my friends is the beauty of a real friendship; it doesn't end, it is reciprocal and circular. so i thank this person so very much for being my cheerleader, for knowing me pretty damn well and being so selfless. your act of kindness will never be forgotten! xoxoxoox
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
take it away
truly, i hope that anyone that reads this, that is an alcoholic, doesn't feel alone.
these past three days i have been hanging on by a thread. today was minute by minute. i haven't felt this badly since the week i was detoxing. i haven't craved a drink that badly since then; and not for the buzz but for the numbness. it all came crashing down without a warning, a flare a hint. they say you have got to completely surrender; give your will over. fuck, i thought i was doing pretty good with that. but my disease was telling me today that my higher power has me in this place for a reason and my healthy side is saying that is not true. no one is meant to suffer. i have no idea how to completely surrender. how does one let go of all control? i haven't a clue and there is no handbook. am i even capable? it doesn't seem so. it feels like i am letting everyone down, including myself. no, i haven't picked up and in the last 48 hrs that has been a miracle. the pressure, the expectations i am putting myself are ridiculous and i KNOW this, yet can't lower them. i heard in a meeting the other day 'the higher the expectation, the lower the serenity....the lower the expectation the higher the serenity'. so true...i just need to get on that road. how much more can a person ask for help?
dear universe, please let me sleep tonight...let me sleep peacefully...please let me wake with a sense of peace...it doesn't even have to be complete peace...but just a little peace, a little sanity...please give me an extra dose of strength and courage not to take a drink and maybe not to crave it. but i'll suffer through the emotional pain as long as you give me the strength to not pick up. i am begging for relief in any form. i don't know what i am doing wrong. i don't know what i'm resisting. please, please, please put it in my path so i can work on it because feeling all of this at one time is unbearable.
these past three days i have been hanging on by a thread. today was minute by minute. i haven't felt this badly since the week i was detoxing. i haven't craved a drink that badly since then; and not for the buzz but for the numbness. it all came crashing down without a warning, a flare a hint. they say you have got to completely surrender; give your will over. fuck, i thought i was doing pretty good with that. but my disease was telling me today that my higher power has me in this place for a reason and my healthy side is saying that is not true. no one is meant to suffer. i have no idea how to completely surrender. how does one let go of all control? i haven't a clue and there is no handbook. am i even capable? it doesn't seem so. it feels like i am letting everyone down, including myself. no, i haven't picked up and in the last 48 hrs that has been a miracle. the pressure, the expectations i am putting myself are ridiculous and i KNOW this, yet can't lower them. i heard in a meeting the other day 'the higher the expectation, the lower the serenity....the lower the expectation the higher the serenity'. so true...i just need to get on that road. how much more can a person ask for help?
dear universe, please let me sleep tonight...let me sleep peacefully...please let me wake with a sense of peace...it doesn't even have to be complete peace...but just a little peace, a little sanity...please give me an extra dose of strength and courage not to take a drink and maybe not to crave it. but i'll suffer through the emotional pain as long as you give me the strength to not pick up. i am begging for relief in any form. i don't know what i am doing wrong. i don't know what i'm resisting. please, please, please put it in my path so i can work on it because feeling all of this at one time is unbearable.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
slippery when wet
i was about 30 seconds from picking up a drink tonight. this is what they call 'ratting yourself out'.
this morning i woke up late, but i had been in the middle of a series of drunk dreams. i can not really describe them well enough for you to understand what they feel like. but i woke up, thought i was drunk/hungover, my body literally felt hungover, i was barking orders, running around like an ass and all because i had been dreaming i was getting drunk. it's like a surreal hell. it took me most of the morning to realize it was only a dream. it took me an hour or two to get my brain to work with my body for it not to feel hungover and it has taken all day to mentally calm down.
today was a doozy. triggers from a meeting last night, triggers from my meeting this morning then a trigger at my job. bam, BAM , BAM, BAM....all i knew was when it hit at the same time was that i wanted that drink. and i knew there was a beer on the deck. i hate beer. makes me pee and burp. one beer wouldn't have gotten me drunk but i would have felt these things: guilt and shame for drinking it and/or saying fuck it, i already picked up i'm going to get wine and numb what i am feeling...which of course would have led me to wake up tomorrow morning back at the beginning. humiliated, shameful, disgusted, horrified, etc.
i called my sponsor immediately and she calmed me down. asked if i could get the beer and pour it out (no one was home), i said no way, i will drink it. how sad is that? if i would have opened the top of that beer with the intention of pouring it down the sink, i would NOT have done that....and i would have lost so much. not just sobriety time, but my dignity, my hard work, my feelings of accomplishments. but i left the beer there and as soon as my husband came home, i jumped in the car and found a meeting and let it all out. i was and am, hurting...suffering...my disease is telling me to drink, it's okay. this time of year a lot of people, even with lengths of sobriety are 'going out'...picking up. and my sickness is saying, well they are doing it, you can too and come right on back to AA and it will be fine. what my disease does not tell me, that yes, you can come back, IF you make it back, yet you are at square one minus one. i don't want to feel that humiliation of the first time i walked into a meeting. i don't want to feel all the things i've felt and had to work on diligently to try and heal my spirit and my mind again. i have to, i HAVE TO believe i am worth more. i will be talking to my higher power again tonight and ask for help. ask to have the right people put in my path, the strength and courage to not drink for the rest of the night, to let me sleep peacefully so that i may wake up feeling refreshed and ready for what the day may bring because i can not do it on my own. i can not. i can not do it without my higher power in my corner handing me that water bottle and bandaging me up when i get knocked down, i can not do it with out AA. i hate this fucking disease and i am angry that i have it today. it's okay, i'm not going to drink over it. but i am angry. i don't feel sorry for myself, because my life could be horrible and it is not. i have a drinking problem; it's that simple.
this morning i woke up late, but i had been in the middle of a series of drunk dreams. i can not really describe them well enough for you to understand what they feel like. but i woke up, thought i was drunk/hungover, my body literally felt hungover, i was barking orders, running around like an ass and all because i had been dreaming i was getting drunk. it's like a surreal hell. it took me most of the morning to realize it was only a dream. it took me an hour or two to get my brain to work with my body for it not to feel hungover and it has taken all day to mentally calm down.
today was a doozy. triggers from a meeting last night, triggers from my meeting this morning then a trigger at my job. bam, BAM , BAM, BAM....all i knew was when it hit at the same time was that i wanted that drink. and i knew there was a beer on the deck. i hate beer. makes me pee and burp. one beer wouldn't have gotten me drunk but i would have felt these things: guilt and shame for drinking it and/or saying fuck it, i already picked up i'm going to get wine and numb what i am feeling...which of course would have led me to wake up tomorrow morning back at the beginning. humiliated, shameful, disgusted, horrified, etc.
i called my sponsor immediately and she calmed me down. asked if i could get the beer and pour it out (no one was home), i said no way, i will drink it. how sad is that? if i would have opened the top of that beer with the intention of pouring it down the sink, i would NOT have done that....and i would have lost so much. not just sobriety time, but my dignity, my hard work, my feelings of accomplishments. but i left the beer there and as soon as my husband came home, i jumped in the car and found a meeting and let it all out. i was and am, hurting...suffering...my disease is telling me to drink, it's okay. this time of year a lot of people, even with lengths of sobriety are 'going out'...picking up. and my sickness is saying, well they are doing it, you can too and come right on back to AA and it will be fine. what my disease does not tell me, that yes, you can come back, IF you make it back, yet you are at square one minus one. i don't want to feel that humiliation of the first time i walked into a meeting. i don't want to feel all the things i've felt and had to work on diligently to try and heal my spirit and my mind again. i have to, i HAVE TO believe i am worth more. i will be talking to my higher power again tonight and ask for help. ask to have the right people put in my path, the strength and courage to not drink for the rest of the night, to let me sleep peacefully so that i may wake up feeling refreshed and ready for what the day may bring because i can not do it on my own. i can not. i can not do it without my higher power in my corner handing me that water bottle and bandaging me up when i get knocked down, i can not do it with out AA. i hate this fucking disease and i am angry that i have it today. it's okay, i'm not going to drink over it. but i am angry. i don't feel sorry for myself, because my life could be horrible and it is not. i have a drinking problem; it's that simple.
Monday, December 20, 2010
happy shnappy
i have just been killin' myself lately with pure tom foolery. i am crackin up all over the place, but in a good way. just about everyone is on my last nerve and i could go christmas postal, but, i'm finding the humor in the insanity. did i mention i was reprimanded by a woman at walmart yesterday? she said i cut her in line. i showed so much restraint in my response because the absurdity of it all was just, well....absurd. listen, if she had had a kidney on ice (we were in the 'express lane') i would have just felt awful and would have even offered up my rotten liver for being so insensitive not to notice that her products were already on the counter when i moved forward as the other cashier said 'i'll help who's next'. the best part was she looked like a complete ass. and for once it wasn't me. people around us were just staring at her like a spoiled brat. i wish i had yelled 'STOP THE PRESSES, WOMAN MAKES HONEST MISTAKE'...but i didn't think of it until i was on my way to my swagger wagon. i sure hope these synopsis in my brain start sparkin' sooner cause i could have a stand up comedy routine ready to try out at the famous Twin Rivers Casino. until then, i'll enjoy being sober and the fact that i'm not the christmas ass this year. yay for me! see, christmas ass....now that's genius....get it...the wise men road on ass' to give gifts of stuff to the little lord 7 lb 8oz baby jesus....
Sunday, December 19, 2010
low road
hmmmmm.....not even sure what to write. but, i am just feeling so grateful for so many things. my brain is clicking, sparking new thoughts, raising new questions, answering old ones. i am feeling inspired...to do what, i have no idea (besides my new part of my job). i want to give everyone a big ol' bear hug. i want everyone to know that it is all going to be okay. fall down seven times, get up eight. never ever give up. be the change you want to be.
even with the 'stress' of the holidays aka the kids energy level, i'm doing alright. one damn day at a time. how is it that if you simplify, lower expectations, keep it real, you can manage to move forward?
i keep listening to grace potter's new album over and over. i've loved her for a long time...but there are a few songs on this new album that i swear were written for me (thanks grace). here is one of my favorites..acoustic version. she makes me feel like superwoman. she makes me feel like i'm not alone. she fills my spirit.
so, i'm gonna 'get off the street and stop looking at my feet......there's a high high hill you gotta climb before you get to the top again....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgc5l9X3Dn4
even with the 'stress' of the holidays aka the kids energy level, i'm doing alright. one damn day at a time. how is it that if you simplify, lower expectations, keep it real, you can manage to move forward?
i keep listening to grace potter's new album over and over. i've loved her for a long time...but there are a few songs on this new album that i swear were written for me (thanks grace). here is one of my favorites..acoustic version. she makes me feel like superwoman. she makes me feel like i'm not alone. she fills my spirit.
so, i'm gonna 'get off the street and stop looking at my feet......there's a high high hill you gotta climb before you get to the top again....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgc5l9X3Dn4
Thursday, December 16, 2010
I'm golden
today i am proud, and i mean fucking PROUD that i am 60 days sober. i walked up with my head held high today and received my gold chip/coin. 60 days!!! i can't believe it. for all the tears i've shed, for all the highs and lows, it has been worth every single second of it, because i have 60 days. don't get me wrong, EVERY DAY i don't drink is worth it, but the cumulative number gives me something to look forward too...kinda like having a baby...you're happy you're pregnant, but it's the day the baby is born that counts and each year after. so today i tell you that i have 60 days of life under my belt and i deserve it and i am worth it. wow....now off to see my therapist for the first time and let her in on the fact i am an alcoholic....i sure hope it's cathartic and not depressing! even so, i will hold my chip in my hand and feel good about myself.
one day at a time...and today i will not drink!!!
one day at a time...and today i will not drink!!!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
i am glad to say today that i am feeling better. i talked to my sponsor for over an hour monday night about so many things, which of course was a relief. i went to a tuesday meeting and spoke through tears, but i had to get some of this pain off my chest. more importantly i am happy to say that 50% of these feelings were due to hormones. cause yup, i got my p. i know, tmi, right? but seriously, i forgot that they are regulating too, along with everything else in my body. while i still have some of those same feelings i was talking about, i most definitely feel more hopeful and stronger. stupid jerk hormones. well...that's all i've got for right now. the exciting life i live! wahoo. but hey, at least i'm sober. :)
Monday, December 13, 2010
repetivie garbage...over and over and over...
can not stop posting today. how annoying. so much to get out. i am numb. i don't even care that i am sober. does not mean i want to drink AT ALL; i just don't care.
spoke to my sponsor for over an hour. all the trauma is coming back and it is coming back hard. i am in so much emotional pain. so much. my disease is kicking my ass. it is telling me to leave meetings early; which i have done two days in a row. it is telling me not to talk in meetings; which i have not been doing.
i have to go through the trauma again, even though most of it i went through sober, i have to go through it again. broken. broken. broken. i'm not giving up. i do not have a desire to drink. i will stay sober. i will get past this resistance plateau. why does my higher power want me to suffer? why am i not willing to get past these road blocks, why am i having so much resistance? who fucking cares? i feel nothingness...which in an odd way feels like something. go figure. i will have 60 days on thursday. keep on keeping on.
spoke to my sponsor for over an hour. all the trauma is coming back and it is coming back hard. i am in so much emotional pain. so much. my disease is kicking my ass. it is telling me to leave meetings early; which i have done two days in a row. it is telling me not to talk in meetings; which i have not been doing.
i have to go through the trauma again, even though most of it i went through sober, i have to go through it again. broken. broken. broken. i'm not giving up. i do not have a desire to drink. i will stay sober. i will get past this resistance plateau. why does my higher power want me to suffer? why am i not willing to get past these road blocks, why am i having so much resistance? who fucking cares? i feel nothingness...which in an odd way feels like something. go figure. i will have 60 days on thursday. keep on keeping on.
revisiting the gratitude....
okay, hey there it's manic clause...so when in a funk....i need to find the gratitude.
i am grateful for and have gratitude for the following:
facial cleanser
pot roast
friends that send me very special emails
that creed is no longer popular
self tanner
my hair stylest
michael franti
that my youngest loves the who's version of reign on me
crock pots
sterling silver
the serenity prayer
my grandmother
my therapist
knee socks
unexpected bouquets of flowers
scented candles
tears
books
absolute ridiculous people that put antlers and wreaths on their cars...i hate it, but i laugh
my dickhead neighbor that has allowed me NOT to rake my leaves just cause
hammy clause the christmas pig
santa clause
ray lamontagne
that ja rule is going to jail...okay not that he is going to jail, but that he is no longer making music
white christmas lights
my red purse
the weight i've lost from not boozin it up
when my daughter said to me 'you don't ruin things mama, you make things happen'
when my oldest son out of nowhere comes up to me and gives me hugs and scratches my back
when my oldest son makes fun of me
when my husband folds laundry
oxy clean stain remover
blogging
hugs
i am grateful for and have gratitude for the following:
facial cleanser
pot roast
friends that send me very special emails
that creed is no longer popular
self tanner
my hair stylest
michael franti
that my youngest loves the who's version of reign on me
crock pots
sterling silver
the serenity prayer
my grandmother
my therapist
knee socks
unexpected bouquets of flowers
scented candles
tears
books
absolute ridiculous people that put antlers and wreaths on their cars...i hate it, but i laugh
my dickhead neighbor that has allowed me NOT to rake my leaves just cause
hammy clause the christmas pig
santa clause
ray lamontagne
that ja rule is going to jail...okay not that he is going to jail, but that he is no longer making music
white christmas lights
my red purse
the weight i've lost from not boozin it up
when my daughter said to me 'you don't ruin things mama, you make things happen'
when my oldest son out of nowhere comes up to me and gives me hugs and scratches my back
when my oldest son makes fun of me
when my husband folds laundry
oxy clean stain remover
blogging
hugs
Sunday, December 12, 2010
the what ifs
i know this is all so depressing at times. and it is. i also know that it does get better (so i'm told). i want peace so badly. can you imagine the uncertainty of what you may or may not feel from one minute to the next? can you imagine having to re-learn every single thing...the way you think, the way you behave, the way you treat your body, the way to heal your spirit, to not hurt people or allow yourself to be hurt by others? is there a better word than overwhelming? i feel like i am in a trash compactor.
one thing i did figure out is that weekends effin' suck. i don't have a clue what to do. week days are busy. weekends i have time to go and do things and i don't have any inspiration. nothing. i'm filled with mortar but no plans for building. someone told me today that it will come. okay. i am in such a self loathing spot right now and less than 48hrs ago i wasn't. i do not get to control anything except picking up. which btw, i do not have a physical desire...even the mental desire is lessening...not gone by any means, but i am getting to a point where i can tell myself it is just a moment in time. these other things, these emotions, the pain isn't a moment in time. i mean, i guess it is, but it last longer so they are momentssssss...
i am really scared right now because i know that to truly heal, i have got to go all the way back and make peace with my past so that my present can be real and true. perhaps i am just not ready. just thinking makes me project...how am i going to handle all these things sober? how am i going to find peace and really let go. is that possible? i thought i had made peace and let certain (not everything) go, but clearly this thought is a mirage.
you know, i don't know how many people actually read this because you can be anonymous and all that...so on one hand i don't want to say certain things, yet on the other i want it out on paper, i want there to be no secrets about what i've been through. whether that is right or wrong really doesn't count....it is what will i feel if i do that...would it be freeing? would it be terrifying? we all have our stories. we all keep secrets, either because we are ashamed or because we are private or because we want it buried. anyone that knows me, knows i am certainly not private. i have openly talked about my mother's death, and my postpartum depression. but what about all the other stuff that no one says out in the open...like 'i'm an alcoholic'?? 'i've been physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually abused and assaulted'?? does one need an invitation to oprah to talk about this shit? what if we lived in a world where you could talk about these things without fear of judgment, criticism, or authenticity? what if?
not knowing what is coming next, is terrifying in every form imaginable. giving my will to a higher power is terrifying. trusting is terrifying. accepting any form of love is terrifying. looking in the mirror is terrifying. i am so fear based right now. fear has me shackled to that train track i spoke about earlier. i am letting that anxiety take over and waiting for that train to hit.
fuck. i love that word. fuck. my lips and teeth form perfectly and it just rolls right out of my mouth. most think it's extremely offensive. i think it is one of my favorite words. it's a verb, adjective and a noun. so i end with this....fuck. maybe even fuck the what ifs...who's to fucking say?
one thing i did figure out is that weekends effin' suck. i don't have a clue what to do. week days are busy. weekends i have time to go and do things and i don't have any inspiration. nothing. i'm filled with mortar but no plans for building. someone told me today that it will come. okay. i am in such a self loathing spot right now and less than 48hrs ago i wasn't. i do not get to control anything except picking up. which btw, i do not have a physical desire...even the mental desire is lessening...not gone by any means, but i am getting to a point where i can tell myself it is just a moment in time. these other things, these emotions, the pain isn't a moment in time. i mean, i guess it is, but it last longer so they are momentssssss...
i am really scared right now because i know that to truly heal, i have got to go all the way back and make peace with my past so that my present can be real and true. perhaps i am just not ready. just thinking makes me project...how am i going to handle all these things sober? how am i going to find peace and really let go. is that possible? i thought i had made peace and let certain (not everything) go, but clearly this thought is a mirage.
you know, i don't know how many people actually read this because you can be anonymous and all that...so on one hand i don't want to say certain things, yet on the other i want it out on paper, i want there to be no secrets about what i've been through. whether that is right or wrong really doesn't count....it is what will i feel if i do that...would it be freeing? would it be terrifying? we all have our stories. we all keep secrets, either because we are ashamed or because we are private or because we want it buried. anyone that knows me, knows i am certainly not private. i have openly talked about my mother's death, and my postpartum depression. but what about all the other stuff that no one says out in the open...like 'i'm an alcoholic'?? 'i've been physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually abused and assaulted'?? does one need an invitation to oprah to talk about this shit? what if we lived in a world where you could talk about these things without fear of judgment, criticism, or authenticity? what if?
not knowing what is coming next, is terrifying in every form imaginable. giving my will to a higher power is terrifying. trusting is terrifying. accepting any form of love is terrifying. looking in the mirror is terrifying. i am so fear based right now. fear has me shackled to that train track i spoke about earlier. i am letting that anxiety take over and waiting for that train to hit.
fuck. i love that word. fuck. my lips and teeth form perfectly and it just rolls right out of my mouth. most think it's extremely offensive. i think it is one of my favorite words. it's a verb, adjective and a noun. so i end with this....fuck. maybe even fuck the what ifs...who's to fucking say?
i want the chains broken
okay so we know by medical definition that alcoholism is a disease, in fact it is an allergy. alcoholics can not break down the alcohol because they lack an enzyme, therefore it causes it to turn into a toxic poison similar to acetone. yep, like the stuff in fingernail polish. so combine that with the mental disease part (the obsession) and you have yourself a bag of trouble. now what i find so interesting is that most alcoholics, not all, but most have or had some pretty major trauma in their life which led them to alcohol for the various affects it has/had on them. this is all great to know, really it is...but when you stop the drinking, all of that trauma comes back and you re-live it. now for me, i have relived my baggage over and over and over and over...therapy after therapy session...when does this cycle end? when do i get to stop re-living all this pain? i thought i had let some go, but apparently i haven't. i want it erased from my mind. i want to start fresh. for years i have said that i am no victim and i wouldn't change anything because i wouldn't be who i am today if those things hadn't happened, but i take that ALL back now. here comes the anger again. the anger of why do i have to repeat the process of healing. i didn't ignore everything, i did deal...somethings not so well i suppose. but my life story is none that you've ever heard. and believe me it isn't a 'my life is worse than your life' dig. we all have our stories, and they are all important. when do i get to feel free, when do the chains finally get unlocked? cripes, i've been working my whole adult life to do that and at times it works but right now it's got me tied to the railroad tracks with the high speed coming right at me. inside my head right now is absolutely insane. i don't want to live right now. i am not going to hurt myself nor am i going to drink, but death seems like the only way to have a quiet mind. no drugs, no medication, no alcohol, no therapy can get this shit to stop. nothing like feeling alone trapped inside your mind, body and spirit...house and the world....yet, i have to keep moving and living....but i am a shell again. i know this is part of my ride, i'm buckled in tight, but it just sucks.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Food brings us together
howdy do....it's friday. but more importantly it is much better than last friday! i am lucky enough to have family around that will be taking the children for the night so that the husband and i can re-connect. we've decided we are going to do something we haven't done in a long time; cook for fun! before kids and even after the first one, we'd cook together (even though i always wore the apron in the kitchen; don't you DARE take the lid off the rice before the timer goes off) laugh and enjoy all the prep work, aromas wafting about the house then enjoying whatever it was we created. cooking for fun does not happen anymore. maybe once a year and i don't think we've done it together in about 7! isn't that sad?? life works like that. we have decided on a yummy indian dish; chicken biyrani. there is a lot of prep work involved, incredible spices and of course the end result is amazing. i have never made it from scratch and well, he hasn't either. so tonight we will cook, listen to christmas music, put the lights on the trees and just enjoy being together. what a gift!
Monday, December 6, 2010
50 is nifty
so it seems i am not in a much better frame of mind today. maybe a instead of a -0, i am at a 0 today.
50 days sober today. the saying 'the days are long, but the years go by fast', is a phrase we moms say about our kids growing up; i think it may also apply to this stupid disease. i am no where near a year (you do the math; i'm too pretty) but little by slow, my hope is to get there. i'm sitting in my seat, buckled down and on the ride of my life (can't take credit for that analogy). feelings sprout up like effin' dandelions in the spring, and unless you pull them out by the root, they just come back. i'm learning to get out my dandelion tool and dig down to the roots. and it can suck the ever living guts right out of you, but there is a japanese saying (i think) 'fall down seven times, get up eight'. so here i be.
i've decided to do a list of 50 things i am grateful and/or have gratitude for. part of my funk lately is i have set my expectations too high on where i should be in recovery, and in reality, my higher power has me right where i am supposed to be. i am going to honor that by making this list and keeping it very, very simple..
(the numbers don't mean importance)
1. i did not take a drink today
2. giradelli brownies are readily available
3. music
4.heat in my home
5.unconditional support and love from my real true blue friends
6. uggs
7. flannel and fleece pjs
8. boy shorts
9. insurance covered breast reductions
10. electric (although they are battery operated) toothbrushes
11. candles
12. insence
13.harry potter books
14. hot herbal tea
16. shoelaces
17. flannel sheets
18. phones and texting
19. steel magnolias
20. my mother and father in-law
21. my sponsor
22. my husband
23. my rotten ungrateful children ;)
24. dutch ovens (and no, not the ones my husband gives me)
25. teeth
26. eyesight
27. colors
28. miracles (big and small)
29. learning to let go
30. finding faith and starting to trust it
31. my mama
32. washing machines and dryers
33. cast iron skillets
34. food network
35. wes welker
36. AA
37. intuitiveness (when it works)
38. computers
39. grass
40. seasons
41. mountains and the ocean
42. opinions
43. corky romano
44. laughter through tears
45. laughter
46. humility
47. my family on my mom's side
48. my spiritual connection to one of my aunts
49. redbull
50. photographs
and there you have it. 50 simple things i am grateful for or have gratitude towards. perhaps i should add one more; this list. i feel so much better.
50 days sober today. the saying 'the days are long, but the years go by fast', is a phrase we moms say about our kids growing up; i think it may also apply to this stupid disease. i am no where near a year (you do the math; i'm too pretty) but little by slow, my hope is to get there. i'm sitting in my seat, buckled down and on the ride of my life (can't take credit for that analogy). feelings sprout up like effin' dandelions in the spring, and unless you pull them out by the root, they just come back. i'm learning to get out my dandelion tool and dig down to the roots. and it can suck the ever living guts right out of you, but there is a japanese saying (i think) 'fall down seven times, get up eight'. so here i be.
i've decided to do a list of 50 things i am grateful and/or have gratitude for. part of my funk lately is i have set my expectations too high on where i should be in recovery, and in reality, my higher power has me right where i am supposed to be. i am going to honor that by making this list and keeping it very, very simple..
(the numbers don't mean importance)
1. i did not take a drink today
2. giradelli brownies are readily available
3. music
4.heat in my home
5.unconditional support and love from my real true blue friends
6. uggs
7. flannel and fleece pjs
8. boy shorts
9. insurance covered breast reductions
10. electric (although they are battery operated) toothbrushes
11. candles
12. insence
13.harry potter books
14. hot herbal tea
16. shoelaces
17. flannel sheets
18. phones and texting
19. steel magnolias
20. my mother and father in-law
21. my sponsor
22. my husband
23. my rotten ungrateful children ;)
24. dutch ovens (and no, not the ones my husband gives me)
25. teeth
26. eyesight
27. colors
28. miracles (big and small)
29. learning to let go
30. finding faith and starting to trust it
31. my mama
32. washing machines and dryers
33. cast iron skillets
34. food network
35. wes welker
36. AA
37. intuitiveness (when it works)
38. computers
39. grass
40. seasons
41. mountains and the ocean
42. opinions
43. corky romano
44. laughter through tears
45. laughter
46. humility
47. my family on my mom's side
48. my spiritual connection to one of my aunts
49. redbull
50. photographs
and there you have it. 50 simple things i am grateful for or have gratitude towards. perhaps i should add one more; this list. i feel so much better.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
sucks balls
the non consistency is driving me up a steep mountain calling for me to jump off of it.
one hour, it is great...the next, i'm bawling. cripes. i feel like at least drinking i knew what i'd always feel like. it may have been shitty but i knew what was coming. today i fucking hate sobriety. hate it. did i hate waking up without a hangover, no. but did i hate dealing or not dealing with life today sober; damn straight. hate hate hate hated it. i don't want a drink but i don't want this up and down shit. up and down up and down. go to meetings, talk at meetings, read my books, call my sponsor. even this feels isolating. i fucking hate being sober today. i am angry. i am miserable. i don't want to do this. i didn't sign up for this life. i don't care if i sound ungrateful. i don't deserve to feel all this angst, sadness, and not knowing where anything is going. keep it simple. one day at a time. live and let live. i want to throw it all in the trash. people go out of the program, they come back. they stay for a while, they go out again. i know that isn't a real option, but i want to go out right now. i want to so badly, i want to drink AT the program. i want to drink AT my feelings that i don't feel like i am doing any better or making progress or that i am more angry now than i was before. i don't want to be a wife or a mother. i don't want to do anything. i want a fucking rehab facility where i concentrate on ME. doing all this and still trying to be a wife and mother can kiss my grits. i really just want to sleep and not wake up. i am full of poison right now and i do not know why and i do not have the faith at this moment to understand, accept or acknowledge that it should pass. i do not have hope today. i don't know what is or isn't normal today. i don't know a god damn thing. i hate who i am today. not sure i've ever really truly loved myself, i have liked myself, but not today. not fucking today.
one hour, it is great...the next, i'm bawling. cripes. i feel like at least drinking i knew what i'd always feel like. it may have been shitty but i knew what was coming. today i fucking hate sobriety. hate it. did i hate waking up without a hangover, no. but did i hate dealing or not dealing with life today sober; damn straight. hate hate hate hated it. i don't want a drink but i don't want this up and down shit. up and down up and down. go to meetings, talk at meetings, read my books, call my sponsor. even this feels isolating. i fucking hate being sober today. i am angry. i am miserable. i don't want to do this. i didn't sign up for this life. i don't care if i sound ungrateful. i don't deserve to feel all this angst, sadness, and not knowing where anything is going. keep it simple. one day at a time. live and let live. i want to throw it all in the trash. people go out of the program, they come back. they stay for a while, they go out again. i know that isn't a real option, but i want to go out right now. i want to so badly, i want to drink AT the program. i want to drink AT my feelings that i don't feel like i am doing any better or making progress or that i am more angry now than i was before. i don't want to be a wife or a mother. i don't want to do anything. i want a fucking rehab facility where i concentrate on ME. doing all this and still trying to be a wife and mother can kiss my grits. i really just want to sleep and not wake up. i am full of poison right now and i do not know why and i do not have the faith at this moment to understand, accept or acknowledge that it should pass. i do not have hope today. i don't know what is or isn't normal today. i don't know a god damn thing. i hate who i am today. not sure i've ever really truly loved myself, i have liked myself, but not today. not fucking today.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Die a Bitch...but a sober bitch
those were the words said to me by an 'old timer'. i love this woman. she is hilarious, shoots straight from the hip and calls me out on my b.s. oh and the fact that she dresses to the nines and has a sailor mouth doesn't hurt either! she's my kinda gal. the reason i bring her up is because she is the one that called me out on my anger and resentment. and i am seeing it more clearly in my life right now. things i would stuff inside and not say anything about (which is surprising to some i'm sure because i'm considered 'out spoken') but to honor myself and my feelings, it is imperative i address these feelings no matter how big or small. of course it should be done in a manner that is calm, compassionate and with love not flames shooting out of my eyes. i think that when i die, i'd like engraved on my urn ' I may have died a bitch, but I died a sober bitch'. kinda fits me don'tcha think???
lately (over the past month) i have been having this reoccurring dream. not a drunk dream (which i have had plenty of those) but just a dream that takes place at the same place and the same things always occur. i love dreams and i haven't really had many until recently becoming sober. my conscious wasn't open to anything...it was numb...dead...broken....
this is the basics of my dream then i will show you what i found out.
i am always in a very large hotel. this hotel is so big it is like a maze and i am there for a wedding that i am a bridesmaid in. i leave my room to do something and i never can find my way back. i cruise the halls calmly at first, then slowly the panic and dispair set in. there are no room numbers. sometimes people can see me other times i am invisible. i usually get stuck on a glass elevator going up and down, which if you know me, i'm afraid of heights. clearly this makes me sweat and have heart palpatations, yet no one sees this happening. anyway, that is the basic scenario. a few things change but it's always a hotel, no numbers on the room and me getting lost, panic and despair...
i decided to look a few things up on the internet about dream interpretation and this is what i found...
To dream that you are in a panic, indicates a lack of control and power in your life. You may be feeling helpless in some situation or unable to make a clear decision.
To dream that you are experiencing some anxiety in some affair, is a reflection of what you may be feeling during your waking life. You may have repressed thoughts, unexpressed emotions, resentment, and hostility that are triggering your anxiety dream. This dream also denotes that you are disastrous mixing business with pleasure.
To dream that you are confused, may reflect your true confused state of mind and the nonsensical events of your dream. Isolate the single element in your dream that is confusing to you and analyze the meaning of that particular symbol. Alternatively, dreams of confusion signifies that you are being pulled in opposite directions or do not know which viewpoint is right.
Zero symbolizes nothingness and emptiness. You are experiencing a void in your life. The symbol may also share the same significance as a circle and thus denotes infinity, eternity, completeness, absolute freedom and holiness. Alternatively, the dream forewarns that you are going around in circles and headed nowhere. Perhaps your actions have been counterproductive. It also represents timelessness and the super-conscious.
pretty freaky no???? i could look at it a thousand different ways, cause lord knows i can analyze a three word sentence to death. but i think knowing my situation, it's pretty obvious. i have no idea about the wedding part.
lately (over the past month) i have been having this reoccurring dream. not a drunk dream (which i have had plenty of those) but just a dream that takes place at the same place and the same things always occur. i love dreams and i haven't really had many until recently becoming sober. my conscious wasn't open to anything...it was numb...dead...broken....
this is the basics of my dream then i will show you what i found out.
i am always in a very large hotel. this hotel is so big it is like a maze and i am there for a wedding that i am a bridesmaid in. i leave my room to do something and i never can find my way back. i cruise the halls calmly at first, then slowly the panic and dispair set in. there are no room numbers. sometimes people can see me other times i am invisible. i usually get stuck on a glass elevator going up and down, which if you know me, i'm afraid of heights. clearly this makes me sweat and have heart palpatations, yet no one sees this happening. anyway, that is the basic scenario. a few things change but it's always a hotel, no numbers on the room and me getting lost, panic and despair...
i decided to look a few things up on the internet about dream interpretation and this is what i found...
To see a hotel in your dream, signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You are undergoing some sort of transition and need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking. You need to temporarily escape from your daily life. Alternatively, the dream may imply a loss in your personal identity.
To dream that you are confused, may reflect your true confused state of mind and the nonsensical events of your dream. Isolate the single element in your dream that is confusing to you and analyze the meaning of that particular symbol. Alternatively, dreams of confusion signifies that you are being pulled in opposite directions or do not know which viewpoint is right.
Zero symbolizes nothingness and emptiness. You are experiencing a void in your life. The symbol may also share the same significance as a circle and thus denotes infinity, eternity, completeness, absolute freedom and holiness. Alternatively, the dream forewarns that you are going around in circles and headed nowhere. Perhaps your actions have been counterproductive. It also represents timelessness and the super-conscious.
pretty freaky no???? i could look at it a thousand different ways, cause lord knows i can analyze a three word sentence to death. but i think knowing my situation, it's pretty obvious. i have no idea about the wedding part.
Friday, December 3, 2010
meh
blar dee blar...started out great...then down the hill i went. oh well. tomorrow is a new day.
it sure feels lonely being sober. i have this urge to go out and dance and whatnot....i didn't really do that intoxicated unless it was a show...but i want to get lost in a dark crowded room with bad music playing so loudly my ears ring when i leave. i want to dance out my frustration. i don't want to feel like there is nothing to do sober. i'm tired of the christmas shopping and decorating...was fun for a while for sure, but now what? kids that are fighting, crying or just being plain rude? house cleaning? laundry folding? eck. i guess it will be another early to bed with tea night. yippee...
it sure feels lonely being sober. i have this urge to go out and dance and whatnot....i didn't really do that intoxicated unless it was a show...but i want to get lost in a dark crowded room with bad music playing so loudly my ears ring when i leave. i want to dance out my frustration. i don't want to feel like there is nothing to do sober. i'm tired of the christmas shopping and decorating...was fun for a while for sure, but now what? kids that are fighting, crying or just being plain rude? house cleaning? laundry folding? eck. i guess it will be another early to bed with tea night. yippee...
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