sucks balls

the non consistency is driving me up a steep mountain calling for me to jump off of it.
one hour, it is great...the next, i'm bawling. cripes.  i feel like at least drinking i knew what i'd always feel like. it may have been shitty but i knew what was coming. today i fucking hate sobriety. hate it. did i hate waking up without a hangover, no. but did i hate dealing or not dealing with life today sober; damn straight. hate hate hate hated it. i don't want a drink but i don't want this up and down shit. up and down up and down. go to meetings, talk at meetings, read my books, call my sponsor. even this feels isolating. i fucking hate being sober today. i am angry. i am miserable. i don't want to do this. i didn't sign up for this life. i don't care if i sound ungrateful. i don't deserve to feel all this angst, sadness, and not knowing where anything is going. keep it simple. one day at a time. live and let live. i want to throw it all in the trash. people go out of the program, they come back. they stay for a while, they go out again. i know that isn't a real option, but i want to go out right now. i want to so badly, i want to drink AT the program. i want to drink AT my feelings that i don't feel like i am doing any better or making progress or that i am more angry now than i was before.  i don't want to be a wife or a mother. i don't want to do anything. i want a fucking rehab facility where i concentrate on ME. doing all this and still trying to be a wife and mother can kiss my grits. i really just want to sleep and not wake up. i am full of poison right now and i do not know why and i do not have the faith at this moment to understand, accept or acknowledge that it should pass. i do not have hope today. i don't know what is or isn't normal today. i don't know a god damn thing. i hate who i am today. not sure i've ever really truly loved myself, i have liked myself, but not today. not fucking today.