i want the chains broken

okay so we know by medical definition that alcoholism is a disease, in fact it is an allergy. alcoholics can not break down the alcohol because they lack an enzyme, therefore it causes it to turn into a toxic poison similar to acetone. yep, like the stuff in fingernail polish.  so combine that with the mental disease part (the obsession) and you have yourself a bag of trouble.  now what i find so interesting is that most alcoholics, not all, but most have or had some pretty major trauma in their life which led them to alcohol for the various affects it has/had on them. this is all great to know, really it is...but when you stop the drinking, all of that trauma comes back and you re-live it. now for me, i have relived my baggage over and over and over and over...therapy after therapy session...when does this cycle end? when do i get to stop re-living all this pain? i thought i had let some go, but apparently i haven't. i want it erased from my mind. i want to start fresh. for years i have said that i am no victim and i wouldn't change anything because i wouldn't be who i am today if those things hadn't happened, but i take that ALL back now. here comes the anger again. the anger of why do i have to repeat the process of healing. i didn't ignore everything, i did deal...somethings not so well i suppose. but my life story is none that you've ever heard. and believe me it isn't a 'my life is worse than  your life' dig. we all have our stories, and they are all important. when do i get to feel free, when do the chains finally get unlocked? cripes, i've been working my whole adult life to do that and at times it works but right now it's got me tied to the railroad tracks with the high speed coming right at me. inside my head right now is absolutely insane. i don't want to live right now. i am not going to hurt myself nor am i going to drink, but death seems like the only way to have a quiet mind. no drugs, no medication, no alcohol, no therapy can get this shit to stop. nothing like feeling alone trapped inside your mind, body and spirit...house and the world....yet, i have to keep moving and living....but i am a shell again. i know this is part of my ride, i'm buckled in tight, but it just sucks.