slippery when wet

i was about 30 seconds from picking up a drink tonight. this is what they call 'ratting yourself out'. 
this morning i woke up late, but i had been in the middle of a series of drunk dreams. i can not really describe them well enough for you to understand what they feel like. but i woke up, thought i was drunk/hungover, my body literally felt hungover, i was barking orders, running around like an ass and all because i had been dreaming i was getting drunk.  it's like a surreal hell. it took me most of the morning to realize it was only a dream. it took me an hour or two to get my brain to work with my body for it not to feel hungover and it has taken all day to mentally calm down.
today was a doozy. triggers from a meeting last night, triggers from my meeting this morning then a trigger at my job. bam, BAM , BAM, BAM....all i knew was when it hit at the same time was that i wanted that drink. and i knew there was a beer on the deck. i hate beer. makes me pee and burp. one beer wouldn't have gotten me drunk but i would have felt these things: guilt and shame for drinking it and/or saying fuck it, i already picked up i'm going to get wine and numb what i am feeling...which of course would have led me to wake up tomorrow morning back at the beginning. humiliated, shameful, disgusted, horrified, etc.
i called my sponsor immediately and she calmed me down. asked if i could get the beer and pour it out (no one was home), i said no way, i will drink it. how sad is that? if i would have opened the top of that beer with the intention of pouring it down the sink, i would NOT have done that....and i would have lost so much. not just sobriety time, but my dignity, my hard work, my feelings of accomplishments.  but i left the beer there and as soon as my husband came home, i jumped in the car and found a meeting and let it all out. i was and am, hurting...suffering...my disease is telling me to drink, it's okay.  this time of year a lot of people, even with lengths of sobriety are 'going out'...picking up. and my sickness is saying, well they are doing it, you can too and come right on back to AA and it will be fine. what my disease does not tell me, that yes, you can come back, IF you make it back, yet you are at square one minus one. i don't want to feel that humiliation of the first time i walked into a meeting. i don't want to feel all the things i've felt and had to work on diligently to try and heal my spirit and my mind again. i have to, i HAVE TO believe i am worth more.  i will be talking to my higher power again tonight and ask for help. ask to have the right people put in my path, the strength and courage to not drink for the rest of the night, to let me sleep peacefully so that i may wake up feeling refreshed and ready for what the day may bring because i can not do it on my own. i can not. i can not do it without my higher power in my corner handing me that water bottle and bandaging me up when i get knocked down, i can not do it with out AA. i hate this fucking disease and i am angry that i have it today. it's okay, i'm not going to drink over it. but i am angry. i don't feel sorry for myself, because my life could be horrible and it is not. i have a drinking problem; it's that simple.