the what ifs

i know this is all so depressing at times. and it is. i also know that it does get better (so i'm told).  i want peace so badly. can you imagine the uncertainty of what you may or may not feel from one minute to the next? can you imagine having to re-learn every single thing...the way you think, the way you behave, the way you treat your body, the way to heal your spirit, to not hurt people or allow yourself to be hurt by others? is there a better word than overwhelming? i feel like i am in a trash compactor.

one thing i did figure out is that weekends effin' suck. i don't have a clue what to do. week days are busy. weekends i have time to go and do things and i don't have any inspiration. nothing. i'm filled with mortar but no plans for building. someone told me today that it will come. okay. i am in such a self loathing spot right now and less than 48hrs ago i wasn't. i do not get to control anything except picking up. which btw, i do not have a physical desire...even the mental desire is lessening...not gone by any means, but i am getting to a point where i can tell myself it is just a moment in time. these other things, these emotions, the pain isn't a moment in time. i mean, i guess it is, but it last longer so they are momentssssss...

i am really scared right now because i know that to truly heal, i have got to go all the way back and make peace with my past so that my present can be real and true. perhaps i am just not ready. just thinking makes me project...how am i going to handle all these things sober? how am i going to find peace and really let go. is that possible? i thought i had made peace and let certain (not everything) go, but clearly this thought is a mirage.

you know, i don't know how many people actually read this because you can be anonymous and all that...so on one hand i don't want to say certain things, yet on the other i want it out on paper, i want there to be no secrets about what i've been through. whether that is right or wrong really doesn't count....it is what will i feel if i do that...would it be freeing? would it be terrifying? we all have our stories. we all keep secrets, either because we are ashamed or because we are private or because we want it buried. anyone that knows me, knows i am certainly not private. i have openly talked about my mother's death, and my postpartum depression. but what about all the other stuff that no one says out in the open...like 'i'm an alcoholic'??  'i've been physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually abused and assaulted'??  does one need an invitation to oprah to talk about this shit? what if we lived in a world where you could talk about these things without fear of judgment, criticism, or authenticity? what if?

not knowing what is coming next, is terrifying in every form imaginable. giving my will to a higher power is terrifying. trusting is terrifying. accepting any form of love is terrifying. looking in the mirror is terrifying. i am so fear based right now. fear has me shackled to that train track i spoke about earlier. i am letting that anxiety take over and waiting for that train to hit.

fuck. i love that word. fuck. my lips and teeth form perfectly and it just rolls right out of my mouth. most think it's extremely offensive. i think it is one of my favorite words. it's a verb, adjective and a noun. so i end with this....fuck. maybe even fuck the what ifs...who's to fucking say?