take it away

truly, i hope that anyone that reads this, that is an alcoholic, doesn't feel alone.
these past three days i have been hanging on by a thread. today was minute by minute. i haven't felt this badly since the week i was detoxing. i haven't craved a drink that badly since then; and not for the buzz but for the numbness. it all came crashing down without a warning, a flare a hint. they say you have got to completely surrender; give your will over. fuck, i thought i was doing pretty good with that. but my disease was telling me today that my higher power has me in this place for a reason and my healthy side is saying that is not true. no one is meant to suffer.  i have no idea how to completely surrender. how does one let go of all control? i haven't a clue and there is no handbook. am i even capable? it doesn't seem so.  it feels like i am letting everyone down, including myself. no, i haven't picked up and in the last 48 hrs that has been a miracle.  the pressure, the expectations i am putting myself are ridiculous and i KNOW this, yet can't lower them.  i heard in a meeting the other day 'the higher the expectation, the lower the serenity....the lower the expectation the higher the serenity'. so true...i just need to get on that road.  how much more can a person ask for help?

dear universe, please let me sleep tonight...let me sleep peacefully...please let me wake with a sense of peace...it doesn't even have to be complete peace...but just a little peace, a little sanity...please give me an extra dose of strength and courage not to take a drink and maybe not to crave it. but i'll suffer through the emotional pain as long as you give me the strength to not pick up.  i am begging for relief in any form. i don't know what i am doing wrong. i don't know what i'm resisting. please, please, please put it in my path so i can work on it because feeling all of this at one time is unbearable.