can not stop posting today. how annoying. so much to get out. i am numb. i don't even care that i am sober. does not mean i want to drink AT ALL; i just don't care.
spoke to my sponsor for over an hour. all the trauma is coming back and it is coming back hard. i am in so much emotional pain. so much. my disease is kicking my ass. it is telling me to leave meetings early; which i have done two days in a row. it is telling me not to talk in meetings; which i have not been doing.
i have to go through the trauma again, even though most of it i went through sober, i have to go through it again. broken. broken. broken. i'm not giving up. i do not have a desire to drink. i will stay sober. i will get past this resistance plateau. why does my higher power want me to suffer? why am i not willing to get past these road blocks, why am i having so much resistance? who fucking cares? i feel nothingness...which in an odd way feels like something. go figure. i will have 60 days on thursday. keep on keeping on.
xo. your higher power isn't the one making you suffer, your higher power is the one thrusting you towards a happy life. love you tons! keep on fighting mama!
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