Die a Bitch...but a sober bitch

those were the words said to me by an 'old timer'. i love this woman. she is hilarious, shoots straight from the hip and calls me out on my b.s.  oh and the fact that she dresses to the nines and has a sailor mouth doesn't hurt either! she's my kinda gal.  the reason i bring her up is because she is the one that called me out on my anger and resentment. and i am seeing it more clearly in my life right now. things i would stuff inside and not say anything about (which is surprising to some i'm sure because i'm considered 'out spoken') but to honor myself and my feelings, it is imperative i address these feelings no matter how big or small. of course it should be done in a manner that is calm, compassionate and with love not flames shooting out of my eyes.  i think that when i die, i'd like engraved on my urn ' I may have died a bitch, but I died a sober bitch'.  kinda fits me don'tcha think???

lately (over the past month) i have been having this reoccurring dream.  not a drunk dream (which i have had plenty of those) but just a dream that takes place at the same place and the same things always occur.  i love dreams and i haven't really had many until recently becoming sober. my conscious wasn't open to anything...it was numb...dead...broken....

this is the basics of my dream then i will show you what i found out.
i am always in a very large hotel. this hotel is so big it is like a maze and i am there for a wedding that i am a bridesmaid in.  i leave my room to do something and i never can find my way back. i cruise the halls calmly at first, then slowly the panic and dispair set in. there are no room numbers. sometimes people can see me other times i am invisible.  i usually get stuck on a glass elevator going up and down, which if you know me, i'm afraid of heights. clearly this makes me sweat and have heart palpatations, yet no one sees this happening.  anyway, that is the basic scenario. a few things change but it's always a hotel, no numbers on the room and me getting lost, panic and despair...

i decided to look a few things up on the internet about dream interpretation and this is what i found...

To see a hotel in your dream, signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You are undergoing some sort of transition and need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking. You need to temporarily escape from your daily life. Alternatively, the dream may imply a loss in your personal identity.   

To dream that you are in a panic, indicates a lack of control and power in your life. You may be feeling helpless in some situation or unable to make a clear decision. 

To dream that you are experiencing some anxiety in some affair, is a reflection of what you may be feeling during your waking life. You may have repressed thoughts,  unexpressed emotions, resentment, and hostility that are triggering your anxiety dream. This dream also denotes that you are disastrous mixing business with pleasure.  
To dream that you are confused, may reflect your true confused state of mind and the nonsensical events of your dream.  Isolate the single element in your dream that is confusing to you and analyze the meaning of that particular symbol. Alternatively, dreams of confusion signifies that you are being pulled in opposite directions or do not know which viewpoint is right.
Zero symbolizes nothingness and emptiness. You are experiencing a void in your life. The symbol may also share the same significance as a circle and thus denotes infinity, eternity, completeness, absolute freedom and holiness. Alternatively, the dream forewarns that you are going around in circles and headed nowhere. Perhaps your actions have been counterproductive. It also represents timelessness and the super-conscious.

pretty freaky no????  i could look at it a thousand different ways, cause lord knows i can analyze a three word sentence to death. but i think knowing my situation, it's pretty obvious. i have no idea about the wedding part.