this is normal?

this floundering fish out of water thing is supposed to be a normal feeling after some sobriety. find a new hobby they say...fill your time with something different they say...make phone calls...get more involved...this and that. well here's the thing, i don't trust too many people and i really don't trust women. i have met many nice, friendly women but i truly don't get that feeling that i can be 'me' with them. my 'me' isn't i suppose a typical woman. maybe not.. but i have always had better friendships with men, gotten along better because there isn't that cattiness or gossipyness.  and not to mention i don't want to be rejected (who does?). so my sponsor who i really like, unfortunately is only in RI part of the week. we talk by phone every day and she keeps suggesting i ask someone to coffee. do you know how fucking ridiculous that makes me feel? now if i were to ask them to go get a drink, that would feel normal. i am so out of my comfort zone my anxiety level is getting pretty high again and it's making me paranoid and not wanting to go to meetings much less share. my sponsor keeps suggesting i talk about this in a meeting. 'uh, hi my name is....and i'm an alcoholic...i'm feeling pretty lonely and disconnected cause i'm afraid to reach out and ask someone to go out for coffee'....uh, loosah??  you know, with men, not all men, but they bust balls, they curse, they talk frank.  yes, i have found some women that do that too in the program, but they work full time and have families too. my sponsor says all this is normal. that this means really that the program is working because i don't have all this chaos around, i am uncomfortable because this is all new. hell, no one even knows my story including my sponsor. and not that everyone needs to know, but i do feel like it's a road block in my recovery. and who am i gonna trust telling it too? let it go, keep it simple...but with my brain i'm looking for what i'm doing wrong or not doing. it is just frustrating. i don't want to screw this up but i can't get out of my own way. i haven't been able to completely give my will over to my higher power. i need to pray more...i need to pray for willingness to let this program work..i need to be present. so yeah, i know all this but can't get it to come to fruition. i can't fucking let go and let it be. cripes.

no effing joke

i just came back from a meeting....found out that a wonderful, vibrant, hysterical, honest woman, with many years sobriety 'went out' either xmas eve or day and died. overdose of drugs and alcohol. i saw this woman every week and listened to her speak and always took something she said home with me.
this disease is no fucking joke. it will kill you if you let it. it doesn't matter how long of sobriety you have, how long you drank before you got sober. it will fucking kill you. this is surreal and absolutely devastating. i didn't even know her and yet, she is gone. her four kids are motherless, her husband a widow.
the sadness, confusion and reality of this news is completely overwhelming and a slap in the face to fucking wake up and do the right thing. my thoughts and prayers to her family.

to AA or not to AA

ya know, i don't know if it's winter, or what, but i'm just blah. i'm feeling all out of sorts like i don't belong anywhere. i enjoy AA but i'm not really connecting with anyone. everyone there is absolutely wonderful, don't get me wrong, but i just feel like i'm the kinda girl that needs AA but for the foul mouthed, perverted kinda gal. ya know? like i just don't feel like i am able to make connections with women.  they are all wonderful, seriously, but what do i have in common with them other than being an alcoholic?,  some would say i am being resistant or that i'm not getting involved enough, and they are partially right.  but i don't have a lot of time to get involved. the resistant part i suppose i should work on. pray more? i just don't know. round and round we go.....it just all goes back to that lonely feeling. being lonely when there are people everywhere. oh god, i hope i don't make anyone slit their wrist with this blog....sheesh.

random act of kindness

christmas has come and gone; and i survived. 
christmas eve was lovely and i was able to host it in my home.  yesterday morning was glorious to wake up, hangover free, and enjoy all the sights and sounds of the kids with their gifts. later in the day we went to my in-laws for dinner, which was really wonderful.  i did go to a meeting at noon just to have a little extra support.  i left a bit early from the in-laws, not because things were bad, but i was just exhausted.  even though there was alcohol there, i did pretty well, but towards the end i started really eyeballing it all and getting a bit pitty party on myself because i couldn't have any.  it was by no means a drunk fest, but a glass or two would have been nice if i wasn't an alcoholic.  but i left early (had plan b) and drove home listening to music and got a bit emotional.  in general, life is overwhelming right now. not necessarily in a bad way at all, but again, i never know how i will feel.  i was missing my mom, i was just feeling alone in general.  after being home for a while, i got into my pjs listened to some music and got everything ready so that when the husband and kids got home we could put them straight to bed.  when my husband got home, he asked if i had checked the mail friday and i said no, i had forgotten. so he went to get the mail, and i had been teary talking to him, and he said 'you need to open this right now' and handed me a package.  the return address said: From: A Card Carrying Member Of The D***** Fan Club; Wishing Her Joy and Peace This Christmas...addressed to: The Fabulous D****..immediately, i start crying. who would take the time and send me something and on top of it address it in such a loving and supportive way? so i opened it up and inside delicately wrapped w/ a note that said 'this should get you through the next few days' was a magnet that said:

She stood, knee deep in tears, afraid that the delicate balance of the universe could never be restored. You are one person, but you are not alone said the universe. The world is held in place by the love and compassion within us all.

my crying at that point was cathartic. it was like that was written just for me. my insides were burning with love and appreciation. i really have never had someone do something so random, so kind or thoughtful before. my first thought of who might have sent it was right....but i didn't know that till later.  and this person is an incredible woman herself.  there are no coincidences....we would have never met if either one of us hadn't gone through certain things and ended up at the right place at the right time so to speak.  and here we are two years later with a very special bond and friendship. although we don't see each other too often, i went through something with her and now she is here for me. that my friends is the beauty of a real friendship; it doesn't end, it is reciprocal and circular.  so i thank this person so very much for being my cheerleader, for knowing me pretty damn well and being so selfless. your act of kindness will never be forgotten! xoxoxoox

take it away

truly, i hope that anyone that reads this, that is an alcoholic, doesn't feel alone.
these past three days i have been hanging on by a thread. today was minute by minute. i haven't felt this badly since the week i was detoxing. i haven't craved a drink that badly since then; and not for the buzz but for the numbness. it all came crashing down without a warning, a flare a hint. they say you have got to completely surrender; give your will over. fuck, i thought i was doing pretty good with that. but my disease was telling me today that my higher power has me in this place for a reason and my healthy side is saying that is not true. no one is meant to suffer.  i have no idea how to completely surrender. how does one let go of all control? i haven't a clue and there is no handbook. am i even capable? it doesn't seem so.  it feels like i am letting everyone down, including myself. no, i haven't picked up and in the last 48 hrs that has been a miracle.  the pressure, the expectations i am putting myself are ridiculous and i KNOW this, yet can't lower them.  i heard in a meeting the other day 'the higher the expectation, the lower the serenity....the lower the expectation the higher the serenity'. so true...i just need to get on that road.  how much more can a person ask for help?

dear universe, please let me sleep tonight...let me sleep peacefully...please let me wake with a sense of peace...it doesn't even have to be complete peace...but just a little peace, a little sanity...please give me an extra dose of strength and courage not to take a drink and maybe not to crave it. but i'll suffer through the emotional pain as long as you give me the strength to not pick up.  i am begging for relief in any form. i don't know what i am doing wrong. i don't know what i'm resisting. please, please, please put it in my path so i can work on it because feeling all of this at one time is unbearable.

slippery when wet

i was about 30 seconds from picking up a drink tonight. this is what they call 'ratting yourself out'. 
this morning i woke up late, but i had been in the middle of a series of drunk dreams. i can not really describe them well enough for you to understand what they feel like. but i woke up, thought i was drunk/hungover, my body literally felt hungover, i was barking orders, running around like an ass and all because i had been dreaming i was getting drunk.  it's like a surreal hell. it took me most of the morning to realize it was only a dream. it took me an hour or two to get my brain to work with my body for it not to feel hungover and it has taken all day to mentally calm down.
today was a doozy. triggers from a meeting last night, triggers from my meeting this morning then a trigger at my job. bam, BAM , BAM, BAM....all i knew was when it hit at the same time was that i wanted that drink. and i knew there was a beer on the deck. i hate beer. makes me pee and burp. one beer wouldn't have gotten me drunk but i would have felt these things: guilt and shame for drinking it and/or saying fuck it, i already picked up i'm going to get wine and numb what i am feeling...which of course would have led me to wake up tomorrow morning back at the beginning. humiliated, shameful, disgusted, horrified, etc.
i called my sponsor immediately and she calmed me down. asked if i could get the beer and pour it out (no one was home), i said no way, i will drink it. how sad is that? if i would have opened the top of that beer with the intention of pouring it down the sink, i would NOT have done that....and i would have lost so much. not just sobriety time, but my dignity, my hard work, my feelings of accomplishments.  but i left the beer there and as soon as my husband came home, i jumped in the car and found a meeting and let it all out. i was and am, hurting...suffering...my disease is telling me to drink, it's okay.  this time of year a lot of people, even with lengths of sobriety are 'going out'...picking up. and my sickness is saying, well they are doing it, you can too and come right on back to AA and it will be fine. what my disease does not tell me, that yes, you can come back, IF you make it back, yet you are at square one minus one. i don't want to feel that humiliation of the first time i walked into a meeting. i don't want to feel all the things i've felt and had to work on diligently to try and heal my spirit and my mind again. i have to, i HAVE TO believe i am worth more.  i will be talking to my higher power again tonight and ask for help. ask to have the right people put in my path, the strength and courage to not drink for the rest of the night, to let me sleep peacefully so that i may wake up feeling refreshed and ready for what the day may bring because i can not do it on my own. i can not. i can not do it without my higher power in my corner handing me that water bottle and bandaging me up when i get knocked down, i can not do it with out AA. i hate this fucking disease and i am angry that i have it today. it's okay, i'm not going to drink over it. but i am angry. i don't feel sorry for myself, because my life could be horrible and it is not. i have a drinking problem; it's that simple.

happy shnappy

i have just been killin' myself lately with pure tom foolery. i am crackin up all over the place, but in a good way. just about everyone is on my last nerve and i could go christmas postal, but, i'm finding the humor in the insanity. did i mention i was reprimanded by a woman at walmart yesterday? she said i cut her in line. i showed so much restraint in my response because the absurdity of it all was just, well....absurd. listen, if she had had a kidney on ice (we were in the 'express lane') i would have just felt awful and would have even offered up my rotten liver for being so insensitive not to notice that her products were already on the counter when i moved forward as the other cashier said 'i'll help who's next'. the best part was she looked like a complete ass. and for once it wasn't me.  people around us were just staring at her like a spoiled brat. i wish i had yelled 'STOP THE PRESSES, WOMAN MAKES HONEST MISTAKE'...but i didn't think of it until i was on my way to my swagger wagon. i sure hope these synopsis in my brain start sparkin' sooner cause i could have a stand up comedy routine ready to try out at the famous Twin Rivers Casino.  until then, i'll enjoy being sober and the fact that i'm not the christmas ass this year. yay for me!  see, christmas ass....now that's genius....get it...the wise men road on ass' to give gifts of stuff to the little lord 7 lb 8oz baby jesus....

low road

hmmmmm.....not even sure what to write. but, i am just feeling so grateful for so many things. my brain is clicking, sparking new thoughts, raising new questions, answering old ones. i am feeling inspired...to do what, i have no idea (besides my new part of my job).  i want to give everyone a big ol' bear hug. i want everyone to know that it is all going to be okay. fall down seven times, get up eight. never ever give up. be the change you want to be.
even with the 'stress' of the holidays aka the kids energy level, i'm doing alright. one damn day at a time. how is it that if you simplify, lower expectations, keep it real, you can manage to move forward?

i keep listening to grace potter's new album over and over. i've loved her for a long time...but there are a few songs on this new album that i swear were written for me (thanks grace).   here is one of my favorites..acoustic version. she makes me feel like superwoman. she makes me feel like i'm not alone. she fills my spirit. 
so, i'm gonna 'get off the street and stop looking at my feet......there's a high high hill you gotta climb before you get to the top again....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgc5l9X3Dn4

I'm golden

today i am proud, and i mean fucking PROUD that i am 60 days sober. i walked up with my head held high today and received my gold chip/coin.  60 days!!! i can't believe it. for all the tears i've shed, for all the highs and lows, it has been worth every single second of it, because i have 60 days. don't get me wrong, EVERY DAY i don't drink is worth it, but the cumulative number gives me something to look forward too...kinda like having a baby...you're happy you're pregnant, but it's the day the baby is born that counts and each year after. so today i tell you that i have 60 days of life under my belt and i deserve it and i am worth it. wow....now off to see my therapist for the first time and let her in on the fact i am an alcoholic....i sure hope it's cathartic and not depressing! even so, i will hold my chip in my hand and feel good about myself.
one day at a time...and today i will not drink!!!

i am glad to say today that i am feeling better. i talked to my sponsor for over an hour monday night about so many things, which of course was a relief. i went to a tuesday meeting and spoke through tears, but i had to get some of this pain off my chest.  more importantly i am happy to say that 50% of these feelings were due to hormones. cause yup, i got my p.  i know, tmi, right? but seriously, i forgot that they are regulating too, along with everything else in my body.  while i still have some of those same feelings i was talking about, i most definitely feel more hopeful and stronger. stupid jerk hormones. well...that's all i've got for right now. the exciting life i live! wahoo. but hey, at least i'm sober. :)

repetivie garbage...over and over and over...

can not stop posting today. how annoying. so much to get out. i am numb. i don't even care that i am sober. does not mean i want to drink AT ALL; i just don't care.
spoke to my sponsor for over an hour. all the trauma is coming back and it is coming back hard. i am in so much emotional pain. so much. my disease is kicking my ass. it is telling me to leave meetings early; which i have done two days in a row. it is telling me not to talk in meetings; which i have not been doing.
i have to go through the trauma again, even though most of it i went through sober, i have to go through it again. broken. broken. broken. i'm not giving up. i do not have a desire to drink. i will stay sober. i will get past this resistance plateau. why does my higher power want me to suffer? why am i not willing to get past these road blocks, why am i having so much resistance? who fucking cares? i feel nothingness...which in an odd way feels like something. go figure. i will have 60 days on thursday. keep on keeping on.

revisiting the gratitude....

okay, hey there it's manic clause...so when in a funk....i need to find the gratitude.

i am grateful for and have gratitude for the following:

facial cleanser
pot roast
friends that send me very special emails
that creed is no longer popular
self tanner
my hair stylest
michael franti
that my youngest loves the who's version of reign on me
crock pots
sterling silver
the serenity prayer
my grandmother
my therapist
knee socks
unexpected bouquets of flowers
scented candles
tears
books
absolute ridiculous people that put antlers and wreaths on their cars...i hate it, but i laugh
my dickhead neighbor that has allowed me NOT to rake my leaves just cause
hammy clause the christmas pig
santa clause
ray lamontagne
that ja rule is going to jail...okay not that he is going to jail, but that he is no longer making music
white christmas lights
my red purse
the weight i've lost from not boozin it up
when my daughter said to me 'you don't ruin things mama, you make things happen'
when my oldest son out of nowhere comes up to me and gives me hugs and scratches my back
when my oldest son makes fun of me
when my husband folds laundry
oxy clean stain remover
blogging
hugs

the what ifs

i know this is all so depressing at times. and it is. i also know that it does get better (so i'm told).  i want peace so badly. can you imagine the uncertainty of what you may or may not feel from one minute to the next? can you imagine having to re-learn every single thing...the way you think, the way you behave, the way you treat your body, the way to heal your spirit, to not hurt people or allow yourself to be hurt by others? is there a better word than overwhelming? i feel like i am in a trash compactor.

one thing i did figure out is that weekends effin' suck. i don't have a clue what to do. week days are busy. weekends i have time to go and do things and i don't have any inspiration. nothing. i'm filled with mortar but no plans for building. someone told me today that it will come. okay. i am in such a self loathing spot right now and less than 48hrs ago i wasn't. i do not get to control anything except picking up. which btw, i do not have a physical desire...even the mental desire is lessening...not gone by any means, but i am getting to a point where i can tell myself it is just a moment in time. these other things, these emotions, the pain isn't a moment in time. i mean, i guess it is, but it last longer so they are momentssssss...

i am really scared right now because i know that to truly heal, i have got to go all the way back and make peace with my past so that my present can be real and true. perhaps i am just not ready. just thinking makes me project...how am i going to handle all these things sober? how am i going to find peace and really let go. is that possible? i thought i had made peace and let certain (not everything) go, but clearly this thought is a mirage.

you know, i don't know how many people actually read this because you can be anonymous and all that...so on one hand i don't want to say certain things, yet on the other i want it out on paper, i want there to be no secrets about what i've been through. whether that is right or wrong really doesn't count....it is what will i feel if i do that...would it be freeing? would it be terrifying? we all have our stories. we all keep secrets, either because we are ashamed or because we are private or because we want it buried. anyone that knows me, knows i am certainly not private. i have openly talked about my mother's death, and my postpartum depression. but what about all the other stuff that no one says out in the open...like 'i'm an alcoholic'??  'i've been physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually abused and assaulted'??  does one need an invitation to oprah to talk about this shit? what if we lived in a world where you could talk about these things without fear of judgment, criticism, or authenticity? what if?

not knowing what is coming next, is terrifying in every form imaginable. giving my will to a higher power is terrifying. trusting is terrifying. accepting any form of love is terrifying. looking in the mirror is terrifying. i am so fear based right now. fear has me shackled to that train track i spoke about earlier. i am letting that anxiety take over and waiting for that train to hit.

fuck. i love that word. fuck. my lips and teeth form perfectly and it just rolls right out of my mouth. most think it's extremely offensive. i think it is one of my favorite words. it's a verb, adjective and a noun. so i end with this....fuck. maybe even fuck the what ifs...who's to fucking say?

i want the chains broken

okay so we know by medical definition that alcoholism is a disease, in fact it is an allergy. alcoholics can not break down the alcohol because they lack an enzyme, therefore it causes it to turn into a toxic poison similar to acetone. yep, like the stuff in fingernail polish.  so combine that with the mental disease part (the obsession) and you have yourself a bag of trouble.  now what i find so interesting is that most alcoholics, not all, but most have or had some pretty major trauma in their life which led them to alcohol for the various affects it has/had on them. this is all great to know, really it is...but when you stop the drinking, all of that trauma comes back and you re-live it. now for me, i have relived my baggage over and over and over and over...therapy after therapy session...when does this cycle end? when do i get to stop re-living all this pain? i thought i had let some go, but apparently i haven't. i want it erased from my mind. i want to start fresh. for years i have said that i am no victim and i wouldn't change anything because i wouldn't be who i am today if those things hadn't happened, but i take that ALL back now. here comes the anger again. the anger of why do i have to repeat the process of healing. i didn't ignore everything, i did deal...somethings not so well i suppose. but my life story is none that you've ever heard. and believe me it isn't a 'my life is worse than  your life' dig. we all have our stories, and they are all important. when do i get to feel free, when do the chains finally get unlocked? cripes, i've been working my whole adult life to do that and at times it works but right now it's got me tied to the railroad tracks with the high speed coming right at me. inside my head right now is absolutely insane. i don't want to live right now. i am not going to hurt myself nor am i going to drink, but death seems like the only way to have a quiet mind. no drugs, no medication, no alcohol, no therapy can get this shit to stop. nothing like feeling alone trapped inside your mind, body and spirit...house and the world....yet, i have to keep moving and living....but i am a shell again. i know this is part of my ride, i'm buckled in tight, but it just sucks. 

Food brings us together

howdy do....it's friday.  but more importantly it is much better than last friday! i am lucky enough to have family around that will be taking the children for the night so that the husband and i can re-connect.  we've decided we are going to do something we haven't done in a long time; cook for fun! before kids and even after the first one, we'd cook together (even though i always wore the apron in the kitchen; don't you DARE take the lid off the rice before the timer goes off) laugh and enjoy all the prep work, aromas wafting about the house then enjoying whatever it was we created.  cooking for fun does not happen anymore. maybe once a year and i don't think we've done it together in about 7! isn't that sad?? life works like that. we have decided on a yummy indian dish; chicken biyrani.  there is a lot of prep work involved, incredible spices and of course the end result is amazing.  i have never made it from scratch and well, he hasn't either. so tonight we will cook, listen to christmas music, put the lights on the trees and just enjoy being together. what a gift!

50 is nifty

so it seems i am not in a much better frame of mind today. maybe a instead of a -0, i am at a 0 today.

50 days sober today. the saying 'the days are long, but the years go by fast', is a phrase we moms say about our kids growing up; i think it may also apply to this stupid disease.  i am no where near a year (you do the math; i'm too pretty) but little by slow, my hope is to get there. i'm sitting in my seat, buckled down and on the ride of my life (can't take credit for that analogy).  feelings sprout up like effin' dandelions in the spring, and unless you pull them out by the root, they just come back. i'm learning to get out my dandelion tool and dig down to the roots. and it can suck the ever living guts right out of you, but there is a japanese saying (i think) 'fall down seven times, get up eight'.  so here i be.

i've decided to do a list of 50 things i am grateful and/or have gratitude for.  part of my funk lately is i have set my expectations too high on where i should be in recovery, and in reality, my higher power has me right where i am supposed to be. i am going to honor that by making this list and keeping it very, very simple..

(the numbers don't mean importance)
1. i did not take a drink today
2. giradelli brownies are readily available
3. music
4.heat in my home
5.unconditional support and love from my real true blue friends
6. uggs
7. flannel and fleece pjs
8. boy shorts
9. insurance covered breast reductions
10. electric (although they are battery operated) toothbrushes
11. candles
12. insence
13.harry potter books
14. hot herbal tea
16. shoelaces
17. flannel sheets
18. phones and texting
19. steel magnolias
20. my mother and father in-law
21. my sponsor
22. my husband
23. my rotten ungrateful children ;)
24. dutch ovens (and no, not the ones my husband gives me)
25. teeth
26. eyesight
27. colors
28. miracles (big and small)
29. learning to let go
30. finding  faith and starting to trust it
31. my mama
32. washing machines and dryers
33. cast iron skillets
34. food network
35. wes welker
36. AA
37. intuitiveness (when it works)
38. computers
39. grass
40. seasons
41. mountains and the ocean
42. opinions
43. corky romano
44. laughter through tears
45. laughter
46. humility
47. my family on my mom's side
48. my spiritual connection to one of my aunts
49. redbull
50. photographs

and there you have it. 50 simple things i am grateful for or have gratitude towards. perhaps i should add one more; this list.  i feel so much better.

sucks balls

the non consistency is driving me up a steep mountain calling for me to jump off of it.
one hour, it is great...the next, i'm bawling. cripes.  i feel like at least drinking i knew what i'd always feel like. it may have been shitty but i knew what was coming. today i fucking hate sobriety. hate it. did i hate waking up without a hangover, no. but did i hate dealing or not dealing with life today sober; damn straight. hate hate hate hated it. i don't want a drink but i don't want this up and down shit. up and down up and down. go to meetings, talk at meetings, read my books, call my sponsor. even this feels isolating. i fucking hate being sober today. i am angry. i am miserable. i don't want to do this. i didn't sign up for this life. i don't care if i sound ungrateful. i don't deserve to feel all this angst, sadness, and not knowing where anything is going. keep it simple. one day at a time. live and let live. i want to throw it all in the trash. people go out of the program, they come back. they stay for a while, they go out again. i know that isn't a real option, but i want to go out right now. i want to so badly, i want to drink AT the program. i want to drink AT my feelings that i don't feel like i am doing any better or making progress or that i am more angry now than i was before.  i don't want to be a wife or a mother. i don't want to do anything. i want a fucking rehab facility where i concentrate on ME. doing all this and still trying to be a wife and mother can kiss my grits. i really just want to sleep and not wake up. i am full of poison right now and i do not know why and i do not have the faith at this moment to understand, accept or acknowledge that it should pass. i do not have hope today. i don't know what is or isn't normal today. i don't know a god damn thing. i hate who i am today. not sure i've ever really truly loved myself, i have liked myself, but not today. not fucking today.

Die a Bitch...but a sober bitch

those were the words said to me by an 'old timer'. i love this woman. she is hilarious, shoots straight from the hip and calls me out on my b.s.  oh and the fact that she dresses to the nines and has a sailor mouth doesn't hurt either! she's my kinda gal.  the reason i bring her up is because she is the one that called me out on my anger and resentment. and i am seeing it more clearly in my life right now. things i would stuff inside and not say anything about (which is surprising to some i'm sure because i'm considered 'out spoken') but to honor myself and my feelings, it is imperative i address these feelings no matter how big or small. of course it should be done in a manner that is calm, compassionate and with love not flames shooting out of my eyes.  i think that when i die, i'd like engraved on my urn ' I may have died a bitch, but I died a sober bitch'.  kinda fits me don'tcha think???

lately (over the past month) i have been having this reoccurring dream.  not a drunk dream (which i have had plenty of those) but just a dream that takes place at the same place and the same things always occur.  i love dreams and i haven't really had many until recently becoming sober. my conscious wasn't open to anything...it was numb...dead...broken....

this is the basics of my dream then i will show you what i found out.
i am always in a very large hotel. this hotel is so big it is like a maze and i am there for a wedding that i am a bridesmaid in.  i leave my room to do something and i never can find my way back. i cruise the halls calmly at first, then slowly the panic and dispair set in. there are no room numbers. sometimes people can see me other times i am invisible.  i usually get stuck on a glass elevator going up and down, which if you know me, i'm afraid of heights. clearly this makes me sweat and have heart palpatations, yet no one sees this happening.  anyway, that is the basic scenario. a few things change but it's always a hotel, no numbers on the room and me getting lost, panic and despair...

i decided to look a few things up on the internet about dream interpretation and this is what i found...

To see a hotel in your dream, signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You are undergoing some sort of transition and need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking. You need to temporarily escape from your daily life. Alternatively, the dream may imply a loss in your personal identity.   

To dream that you are in a panic, indicates a lack of control and power in your life. You may be feeling helpless in some situation or unable to make a clear decision. 

To dream that you are experiencing some anxiety in some affair, is a reflection of what you may be feeling during your waking life. You may have repressed thoughts,  unexpressed emotions, resentment, and hostility that are triggering your anxiety dream. This dream also denotes that you are disastrous mixing business with pleasure.  
To dream that you are confused, may reflect your true confused state of mind and the nonsensical events of your dream.  Isolate the single element in your dream that is confusing to you and analyze the meaning of that particular symbol. Alternatively, dreams of confusion signifies that you are being pulled in opposite directions or do not know which viewpoint is right.
Zero symbolizes nothingness and emptiness. You are experiencing a void in your life. The symbol may also share the same significance as a circle and thus denotes infinity, eternity, completeness, absolute freedom and holiness. Alternatively, the dream forewarns that you are going around in circles and headed nowhere. Perhaps your actions have been counterproductive. It also represents timelessness and the super-conscious.

pretty freaky no????  i could look at it a thousand different ways, cause lord knows i can analyze a three word sentence to death. but i think knowing my situation, it's pretty obvious. i have no idea about the wedding part.

meh

blar dee blar...started out great...then down the hill i went. oh well.  tomorrow is a new day.
it sure feels lonely being sober. i have this urge to go out and dance and whatnot....i didn't really do that intoxicated unless it was a show...but i want to get lost in a dark crowded room with bad music playing so loudly my ears ring when i leave.  i want to dance out my frustration. i don't want to feel like there is nothing to do sober. i'm tired of the christmas shopping and decorating...was fun for a while for sure, but now what? kids that are fighting, crying or just being plain rude? house cleaning? laundry folding? eck. i guess it will be another early to bed with tea night. yippee...

Family is Family

oh man.  yesterday was not your typical thanksgiving. in fact, i had never in my life had one like the one i had.

wednesday when i had the issue with my asshole neighbor about leaves (he left the nasty note, i went over nicely to see what was up and it erupted into a screaming match with me calling the cops; in short) it sent me into a head spin.  i still had not been to a meeting since sunday and KNEW my butt needed to get to one and my plan was to go. but i didn't; and that is my own fault. well, this confrontation with the neighbor had me so upset from wednesday afternoon all the way through most of yesterday.  the main reason i was so angry was his verbal attack on me and my husband when he doesn't even know us. it should not have mattered, but it did.

i made it to a meeting thursday morning, but it wasn't a typical meeting setting which was fine but i didn't really listen. my head was too busy dissecting every crazy thing that had happened. my body was still full of venom; his and mine.  not having any alcohol in my system it is easy for me to take on someone's energy because my spirit is like a sponge.  it has so many openings and it able to function correctly by adsorbing instead of resisting. i left the meeting when it was over more confused and conflicted than ever. my anger and resentment was compounded. i had been working so hard on changing my attitude about the holidays and here i had allowed this jerk to change those attitudes.  i didn't want to go to my family's house, because i didn't want to pretend everything was okay when it was not, but i also didn't not want to isolate because that isn't healthy either.  the plan was for my husband to go down early with the kids, i get ready then come later. 

i had put in a call to my sponsor and a friend looking for guidance.  my sponsor wasn't able to return my call until later, which i'll get to in a minute.  here i sit crying over and over and now i didn't even know every reason why i was crying.  and it dawned on me...talk to your higher power you idiot.  i got out my 30 day coin and talked and talked...probably a good half hour.  as soon as i shut my mouth the phone rang and it was my sponsor. 

we talked and talked and she encouraged me to go back to a meeting and if i didn't make it to thanksgiving it was okay because i HAD TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF....the energy that i had expended in almost a 24 hour period had wiped me out.  i can't explain it.  i called the place that was having the all day meetings and asked if i wasn't a part of a commitment group could i still speak and they said sure...i explained i had been there earlier but i didn't think i was allowed to talk. fast forward, i go to the meeting and got it all out of my system...ended up staying for another meeting then talking to a group of women.  and that's when the second half of my miracle happened.

this older lady looked at me and said, you went looking for a fight. i was dumbfounded. what in the hell was she talking about? i went to the neighbor nicely to ask why he wrote the note and he could have just come to talk to us...she said no you didn't, you were pissed and you wanted a fight; that's what we do as alcoholics. i just stared at her. it made no sense. i went on to explain that yes, i did in fact lose my cool after he verbally assaulted me and threatened my property but no, i had no plan on having a fight with him. she and another woman said again, yes you did; you just didn't know it.  they told me to go home and read chapter 3 in the big book.  holy crap.  anger and resentment is alive and well inside of me and i had no idea. NONE. 

i want to back up and tell you about the first half of my miracle...when i went to the first meeting , i had the time screwed up and there was this guy outside of the building. i asked him about the meeting times etc and we struck up a conversation. he asked if i was okay and i said no and the tears began to flow. he said stick around for the meeting...that was the meeting i didn't really listen to when i was there...so when i called to check on times and to see if i could speak, this familiar voice answered...i said, i am really suffering right now and i have already been there once today but it didn't help me, i want to come back but i've got to talk and get some stuff off my chest. he said come back, you can always talk.  when i walked in the room, guess who was sitting at the head table, the man i had met earlier that morning.  after a woman started speaking, he said if there was anyone here that needed to talk to feel free to raise your hand.  well, of course mine shot up like a firework....and out i poured my story...my anger...my resentfulness...my self loathing for letting that idiot screw up my day...

i did not make it to the big family thanksgiving. i spent my day doing damage control on myself. by doing so i had a a miracle happen.  if i had not met that man earlier in the parking lot, had he not answered the phone he would not have known it was me that called when i walked in and knew how badly i was hurting....if i hadn't spoken at that meeting, these women would not have called me out on what the real issue was and directed me to written words to help me understand what was really going on inside of me.  so while i did not spend thanksgiving with my traditional family, i spent it with family and am so very grateful.  so so very grateful. 

Save me a seat

i haven't been to a meeting in a few days and i can feel it.  i'm getting a bit 'wiggy' because meetings keep me grounded. i don't have a desire or craving for a drink, but i do have the desire and craving for a meeting; to be around people that understand. 

having a family and it being close to the holidays, sometimes we forget to put ourselves first.  in the past few days, i've slipped a little with that and i feel the residual affects.  i am a bit more anxious, less serene, a tad crabby.  the good news is, i know it is because i haven't gotten my butt in a seat and listened.  i need to be reminded that i'm an alcoholic even though i feel good and don't physically crave the alcohol. 

this time of year, my excuse for drinking is all the chaos and the energy levels. i'm very sensitive to energy and not having that nervous system depressant to take down the energy levels that i feel internally, is going to take some strength and inner feelings of peace; that is why i need a meeting.  they are my medicine.  so, today i will get my butt to a meeting and tomorrow morning do the same.  and i can guarantee i will feel better. it's that simple!

laugh laugh laugh away

not sure i have too much to say today.  overall i am feeling great. each day is a little more clear. each day gets a little teeny tiny bit better. the holidays don't sceeeere me anymore so that's cool.  i've got nothing to complain about. well, that's a big fat lie, i do, but anything i would complain about really is not important in the big picture we call life. i am pretty grateful these days, especially the small things. small things got lost when i was drunk so it's like rediscovering all these treasures. know what i am enjoying the most right now? laughing. i have been laughing a lot the past few days. laughing so hard it hurts. but it is real laughter. like i have said before, i would laugh before but my laughter now is different. i have no idear (rhode island accent) how to describe it really...except for that it's sincere, honest and for realsies.  and you know what else? i'm smiling at people. i feel like wheezer from steel magnolias when she says 'i saw drum eaton at the piggly wiggly today and i SMILED at the son of a bitch'.  i don't know if it's me doing the initial smiling or i am just now actually seeing people smile at me. or maybe it is because i am actually making eye contact. hell, i don't know. maybe i should keep a smile log (cause i have nothing else to do with my time) and make some kind of fancy chart of me to stranger smile ratios. i wonder what would happen if i smiled at someone and they didn't smile back and i just stood there smiling until they smiled?  i'd probably get my lights knocked out or hauled off to butler.  or maybe the person would just crack up at the sight of some dummy standing there with a big dopey grin staring at them.  hmmmm...food for thought.  i suppose that is it for now. gotta get back to laughing!

30 days one day at a time

i am the proud owner of a red chip today. the red chip signifies my 30 days of sobriety. i can not believe it. i really truly am in shock and disbelief.  30 days of not having my crutch, my go to gal, my counselor, my stress reliever, anxiety eraser.....today is a good day. for the first time in a VERY long time, i can honestly say i am proud of myself. i am changing little by little and all for the better.  30 days may not sound like much, but in my world it feels like a lifetime. i earned that red chip with hard work, self assessment, tears and laughter.  i have more to do, but i can do it with a bit more confidence, a bit more courage and a bit more of loving myself.  no one ever said change was easy, but nothing wonderful ever is!

today i will not drink so that tomorrow i have the same choice.

Get out the garland......

what a swell weekend.  so much accomplished on many levels.  it is still amazing to me how much more productive i am sober.  i mean, some people can drink and get a bug up their jug and get all crazy with the productiveness, not me. and i noticed too that i am laughing a lot more. i laughed a lot before, but i am finding more humor in life. cause let's face it, life is pretty damn funny and if you live a crazy life, might as well embrace the crazy with a sense of humor, no? 

i went to a beginners meeting last night. not my first one, but i usually don't get too much out of these meetings for a variety of reasons.  but last night, there was a definite reason i was there.  we read something that was pretty powerful, listened to someone's story which was equally powerful and i met a woman who, like me, decided she needed help and came to a meeting, alone and for the first time.  it was such a real pleasure to reach out to her and honestly say 'i know how you feel'.  there aren't many things in life where you can completely relate to another person.  but when you can relate and somehow provide support and maybe a little comfort it feels great.  seeing this woman reminded me of walking into that first meeting.  granted that was only 29 days ago so it is uber fresh, but still....i felt the fear, uncertainty, but 'want' for change.  quite powerful. 

also this weekend, i have shifted my thinking  about the holidays.  i've been fearful and paralyzed about all of it really, and not just the drinking but all that goes into the holidays.  one of the cog shells in my brain turned, and it moved me toward positive thinking.  there is only one thing i can't do...and that is drink.  THAT IS IT! i can do anything else i want. how fucking amazing is that? i can enjoy the decorating, i can enjoy the cooking, i can look forward to the chaos (okay, that might be exaggerating), i can look forward to waking up christmas morning fresh and in the moment.  what an amazing gift.  i can laugh, i can do a gosh darn jig if i want.  i don't need no stinkin' alcohol to have fun and enjoy what is going on around me.  and listen, this is about me and no one else.  i really don't care if someone else drinks. there is absolutely NO judgment on that.  all that matters to me, is that i don't drink.  this will be the first holidays in four years that i don't get down with my nemesis (no, not kelly bates) but alcohol.  it's crazy, it's liberating....you know, when you think about the fact that chemically, my body doesn't produce an enzyme that breaks down the alcohol therefore feeds the fuel to drink more, it takes the pressure off.  i haven't gotten to where i am not blaming myself, and i will get there in time.  yet, i know this is a disease and that concept is slowly penetrating my thinking; which is a good thing.  that gives me strength. 

today i don't drink so that tomorrow i don't drink.  and tomorrow will be 30 days. 30 mother fucking days.

Just call me Sybil

today rocked. quite different than yesterday.

i'm just going to embrace all these ups and downs and different people i am right now that will hopefully morph into one spectacular mama.   yeah, that's all i have for today.

Never liked me a roller coaster

 wake up feeling like a million bucks. on top of the world with a cherry on top. then BAM....saddest, angriest girl in the world. who knew that holiday shopping could piss you off? i mean, we know it can piss you off when it's crowded, snotty sales people, perfume nazis in the front of the stores, but none of that happened today. it was the decorations, sales, and festive music playing that made me want to set an elf on fire. why you ask? because it is a reminder that the holidays are here. it is a reminder that everything will be different this year. different is good, but i don't like major changes or transitions.

after going to a few stores i got into my car and was completely paralyzed. literally staring at my phone sitting there in the parking lot. what was i doing there? where was i going? tears began to well up but i brushed it off as being weak. grow some balls i thought to myself. off i drive to the dreaded mall in search of christmas outfits for the kids. couldn't find a thing except for happy people and more decorations and sales. cripes! on the verge of running into traffic, i text my wonderful friend to see what she is doing.  we made a date at the super store of all things expired and cheap, Big Lots.

we meander through BL so she could find a tree skirt and i was looking for some pots to replant some plants. friend 1 me 0.  we go to lunch. had a delightful turkey club yet a more serious conversation.  it was good to just talk.  neither one of us had topics filled with joyful dialogue, but it felt good to connect.  after lunch i decide just to go home. 

once home and things had settled down, i turned into a blubbering fool.  i was just pissed and sad. there really aren't ways to describe it unless you are in the 'program' (sounds super special doesn't it?). but i was pissed that i couldn't have a glass of wine with lunch, which would have been the norm for me. i was pissed at myself for getting to the point where i can't have a glass of wine. i was sad thinking i will never drink again. and damn, if i've heard it once i've heard it more than once, 'don't tell yourself you will never drink again, it is too overwhelming. you tell yourself you will not drink today'.  today i couldn't tell myself that. don't worry, i didn't drink, but i couldn't stay in the present and keep it just for today.  i started snowballing and the anxiety level was at a level close to a panic attack.  i called my sponsor.  she says everything i'm feeling is normal. normal? really? i feel like a fucking freak show. i start the day fine and then next thing you know i'm ready to set elves aflame...she said her sponsor told her in the beginning of her sobriety (she will have 23 yrs on monday) that when you cry like that, it means you are changing and that the first year is a roller coaster.  ya'll better hold on to your hats, cause i'm either going to be a blubbering freak show or a raging bitch.  i am that box of chocolates forrest gump talks about...you never know what you are going to get....except a sober me.

Champagne Wishes and......

yesterday was a good day.  went to a great meeting then my part time job.  my part time job is so wonderful and it always puts me in a good place, even if i have a crappy morning, when i get there and do what i do, i always leave feeling great. 

when i got home i had a zillion things to get done to prepare for the rush hour of activities before bed time, but i was absolutely exhausted.  the night before my bladder woke me up at 3am and i couldn't go back to sleep.  i may start wearing a pull-up to bed if that continues.  racing around getting laundry done, making dinner, snacks, correcting homework, eat dinner, two soccer practices in two different locations, home, get kids ready for bed then getting myself calmed down and ready for some sleep. 

like i've mentioned before, sleep is on and off these days and dreaming is a new thing.  in the very first two weeks i had several dreams about drinking.  the realistic nature of these dreams would wake me up in a complete state of panic. did i really take a drink and don't remember? if i did, when did i do it? did i tell anyone? all these things race through my mind and caused a cold sweat.  no, i had not had a drink.  these dreams are completely normal and can happen from time to time.  last night i had another one. 

with the holiday season approaching, i am a bit nervous. not terrified, but nervous.  again, i am not physically craving a drink, but this is another time of year that i would usually justify any reason to drink. actually any time i would justify a drink, but this time of year, social drinkers are more visible and well, i would just try and blend in. 

my favorite thing around the holidays is champagne.  i love champagne.  in fact i used to have a ritual called 'champagne thursdays'...yes, it's exactly what you think....i would drink champagne every thursday.  for some reason i stopped that, but i can't remember why.  champagne is one of those drinks that makes me feel special, makes me feel like i'm not 'really' drinking.  i love the little bubbles, i love the way my stemless champagne flutes feel in my hand and i love the buzz it gives me.  yet, waking up the next day with a champagne hangover is the worst.  my head would feel like a ball-ping hammer was hitting on both temples simultaneously, the sweaters on my teeth were horrible and there was nothing i could put in my body to substantially hydrate myself. utter horror the next morning. even though i knew how i would feel the next morning, in my twisted mind i never thought champagne would turn on me.

my dream last night sheds some light on my subconscious right now; at least i believe it does.  i was at a holiday function and sober, still working the program etc.  but someone offered me a glass of champagne. i thought really long and hard about whether to take the glass.  does champagne really count? would i have to start all over if i just had one glass? in my dream i could taste it, smell it and feel the effervescent bubbles tickling my nose. would anyone really consider that one teeny tiny little glass picking up? i told myself no, they wouldn't count that one glass, so i kindly accepted the glass and savored every drop.  i put down my glass and immediately felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame.  i did not want another glass and i wanted to run out of wherever i was before anyone noticed i drank.  i could feel the self loathing rising; how could i have had that one glass? had i not learned anything?

upon waking this morning, i recalled my dream and just sat there in bed feeling so guilty.  quickly i reminded myself that it was only a dream. i had not picked up.  as i sit here and type this, i know that i need to be ever vigilant this holiday season.  if i need to go to two meetings a day, call someone every hour, i am going to do it.  i refuse to throw 24 days of hard work away.  i can't worry about if i'm going to drink thanksgiving day i can only think about today. every day i wake up, i will talk to my higher power and i will ask for guidance and go from there.  today though, i will not drink.

Awww quit your projecting!

cheese and rice...started off the day in a serious funky pickle.
i just returned home from one of the best meetings i have ever been to.  it isn't one i normally go to, but i needed a meeting.  i should back up and say that i have been talking to the universe today like a coked up whore on christmas. and guess what? IT WORKED! no, not all of my problems are solved, but i have learned quite a bit today by reaching out and listening. there was a reason i was able to go to this meeting. there was a reason my sponsor answered when i called. there was a reason a very important person called me this morning and made me laugh but also validated what i was feeling.  keep it simple. that is a hard concept for someone with anxiety issues. all we do is live in our head and try and project what is going to happen then obsess about it over and over...i call it snowballing.  i have the heard the phrase over and over 'don't or try not to project'...'just think about today'.  to tell an anxiety ridden person that is like telling mama cass not to eat that sammich'.  BUT, i expended so much energy today talking to the universe and believing and trusting that if i am patient, something, someone, some situation will present itself to me.  i do realize it won't always happen in a way i may think, so i try not to have any expectations on when and how it happens. but i can tell you that if you expect a miracle it will happen. i'm not a christian but i don't think you have to be christian to believe in miracles...i've always believed in miracles...my niece for instance is one.  anyway, although my reason for sadness today hasn't been resolved, my spirits have been lifted and i am once again reminded that i am doing the right thing for the right reason.  i am grateful.

Surrendering to the unravel....

i wish today i could say that i woke up with a feeling of joy. but i did not.  my heart is heavy. i feel as if i am wearing a really badly knitted sweater that got caught on a sharp metal object and as i walk towards doing the right thing, i am unraveling. and quickly at that.

being of a clear mind is wonderful but also painful. anyone that knows me, knows that i am an introspective person, analytical, reflective and alll and all thinker. that is my mental make up. i can not change that.  what i can change is letting go and leaving it up to my higher power as i see it, to take the lead and learn to follow. this my friends is not at all easy.

i talked to my higher power today...call it praying, whatever. i believe in the universe and i believe in energy and karma and all of those things mixed together. i've asked for help. i ask for help every day. what is difficult is trusting in it. believing that even though i am doing the right thing by not taking a drink doesn't mean that i am still not going to suffer. and i am suffering today. i don't want a drink. i don't have a craving for a drink. i have a craving for mental relief, which in the past was the excuse for drinking.

i didn't become an alcoholic over night. in fact as i continue to stay sober, i can see that i have been an alcoholic for quite some time, and there are many different types of alcoholics.  when i first started telling people, most were shocked and would say 'are you sure'?. my answer was yes.  how do i know this? i know this because i am now at the point where i do not know what will happen if i pick up a drink. can i have one, two or 1,000.  i was sneaking alcohol, i was lying about my drinking and i couldn't manage my life without having a drink. i had played the mental games of,  'oh, i'll just drink on weekends, or i will only drink after 5'. i tried so very hard to put limits on my drinking and absolutely could not do it. i have no idea when i decided or how i rationalized drinking the way i did, the amount or the times of day; i just did it without thinking. now i have to constantly think, you can't have that drink; it isn't worth it. and in my heart i know that to be true. 

where do i go from here? i know i can't pick up, i know i can't numb myself, i know i have to be honest. have you ever been really honest with yourself? one of those moments when you will admit you feel something then immediately deny it in your head? i don't have that option anymore if i was to get well and stay there. so that leads to some serious inventory taking on my life. serious. i have the fight or flight thing going on right now. i don't want to fight but i want to run like hell (it's a good thing i'm out of shape or i probably would!). in A.A. they tell you, just because you are sober doesn't mean life is all roses, it just means that you are dealing with life and you have to deal with it without a drink. that makes me wanna kick a kitten right now. but i am doing it.

i was always a social drinker, then it evolved into a daily drinker then eventually an all the time drinker. i am a stay at home mom. my job while my choice, can be absolutely boring as hell, mundane, repetitive, exhausting etc. i don't get sick days, i don't get vacation time, i don't get a paycheck, i don't get a lot of things, especially recognition sometimes. what i do get, is the ability to be with my kids. sometimes that is good other times not so much. but any parent will tell you that. being a parent is the most incredible thing in the world but it is also the hardest thing you will ever do. the responsibility of shaping these little spawns into self supporting, kind, loving adults is a crap shoot. there is no manual here. there is no guarantee that what you teach them they will use for good and not evil.  all you can hope for is that when the time comes to make the right choices, they will and if not, at the very least learn from their mistakes.  folks, that is a lot of pressure on a parent. you love these little suckers more than life itself yet you know you don't have control of them. if you think you do, you are kidding yourself. they control themselves, what we can do is teach them the tools to control themselves in a positive way. anyway, when i started to drink very heavily and sneak, i did it for many reasons. some i knew right away, and some it's gonna take a lot of digging to find out why.  but at the time, i thought, what's the big deal. drinking wine and folding laundry is fine. drinking wine while cleaning the bathroom is more interesting. seriously, none of those things are fun but with a few pops in me, i didn't mind doing them even though i knew that at some point all my hard work would be undone.  fast forward a bit...i woke up on the morning of oct. 18th and decided i did not want alcohol to control me any longer. i made that decision on my own free will, i was not forced, it was me that said enough is enough.  i called the local A.A. office and asked about a meeting.   my first meeting was that thursday. i walked into that meeting alone, terrified and on the verge of a panic attack.  i made it three steps in before the tears started flowing. i couldn't stop. a woman sat next to me and was a major comfort.  i listened to everyone that spoke. and i kept crying. when it was time to get chips for the length of sobriety, i wasn't about to go up for the 24hr one. the woman next to me said 'you should go up, there is no shame here'. so i stood up and walked to the front to get my chip. about 50 people stood up and clapped. they clapped for me. it was an overwhelming feeling to know these people who i did not know were genuinely happy and proud of me.  i must admit after that i have contemplated getting an applause machine, cause hey, who doesn't like a standing ovation?

today i will not drink. today i will go though another pile of shit i have created and take responsibility for it. today i will ask for help. today i will try my best to be patient and wait for the answers to become clear. today i will take care of myself. 

i feel helpless in a way, yet surrendering is the only way to become stronger.

21 days sober today. 
at some point i will write about how i got to the point of wanting to be sober, to let alcohol go and not control me anymore. but for now, i will tell you where i am.

21 days sounds awesome right? it is and it isn't. do i want a drink? not this second. do i feel it was easier to deal with life when i was drinking? sometimes. but i know that is not the truth.  i am in the phase of sobriety where i am having super highs and super lows. ever heard of PAWS? post acute with drawl. fucking sucks donkey balls is what it is. my sleep cycle is all wompycocked...there is no consistency. i'm no narcoleptic, but i might be on my way. i never know when the overwhelming tiredness is going to hit. with three young children, sleep options are my enemy.  the other day i was up and going at 4:30 am. even hit up the grocery store.  last night i was in bed asleep by 6pm up at 10pm back asleep at 12:30am. it is reminiscent of being pregnant. except this time it isn't hormones it is my central nervous system trying to straighten itself out.  the other sucky thing about this PAWS is i can't remember anything for more than about 3 nano seconds.  at first i truly thought i was going crackers. i would unlock my car with my keys, put my purse in then wouldn't be able to find my keys. it took me 20 minutes to locate them. i can't remember if i took my medication, i can't remember a sentence i just read. i spell like a second grader to begin with, but i haven't even been able to spell cat and dog...talk about feeling like an idiot.  at one point i thought, damn, i was more organized as a drunk than a sober drunk.  thank god for sponsors. come to find out, this is all normal. what is so scary is that i have done that much damage to my body. you don't think about your nervous system when your getting loaded, you may think about your liver function after going on bender, but never your nervous system. i am here to tell ya, alcoholism affects so much more.  hopefully these symptoms will go away sooner than later, right now i have to be patient. i'm not patient. i want instant gratification. the only instant gratification you get from sobriety is knowing you didn't drink and you aren't hungover. everything else about sobriety takes work. it doesn't just 'happen'.  listen, i've only got 21 days, i am shooting for a lifetime. easy does it, first things first, one day at a time etc.  all great sayings from A.A. i think i will make a note card for my purse that has those sayings on them when i get impatient and frustrated.  
to tell the truth, the past couple of days have been craptastic. not knowing if you are going to be full of energy, tired, happy, sad, angry can kiss my grits. but guess what? that's called sober living. before, any of those feelings would justify a drink in my head. oh look, it's raining, i should have some wine.  oh, my kids are stressing me out, i should have a bottle of wine.  oh look, we have 3 dollars in our bank account, i should go charge 2 bottles of wine and 3 nips of vodka. and before long, i didn't feel a thing but being drunk...guilt, anxiety and shame.  right now, i can wake up in the morning and not feel guilt or anxiety or shame because i did not take a drink.  i may feel those things as a result of my previous behaviors, but that again, takes time to process, understand then let it go. 
i went to a concert the other night.  went to see michael franti. very uplifting spiritual music for me. i met three girlfriends there who know my story and are very supportive.  at one point we were making our way to the floor and this kid (probably early 20s) says something to me..i couldn't hear him, so i said 'excuse me'?...then he says something to the effect of 'what are you doing, keep moving, where do you think you are going'?...he was either drunk, high or an asshole, either way, i paid just as much money to be there as he did...so, i got right in his face and said 'i've got 19 days of sobriety under my belt, don't fuck with me'. his girlfriend looked at me and said 'everything is cool, enjoy the show'. okay, why was i telling you this? see, i can't remember squat. hold on...oh right..so okay, i'm dancing and a certain song is being sung and i just lost it right there...with all these people...bawling. his music hit my soul so hard. i felt his words and music in my bones. my crying was cathartic and a bit of a spiritual awakening for me. fast forward a bit...the energy of the crowd was getting to be a bit much for me. i've always been open to energy and now without a nervous system depressant flowing through my veins, i was on overload.  i went to the back of the venue and danced and listened. here were all these people yet i felt alone. i'mi'm tired of typing now. maybe more later.