take 2

dec 8th & 9th i chose to pick up and drink. i had an absolute bullet proof excuse. except for the fact there are people with MANY 24hrs...and they have some serious tragic thing happen in their life and STILL did not pick up a drink.  For those of you who are not alcoholics, but sometimes may have a cold beer after mowing the grass or a glass of Cabernet while cooking; could even you not drink if someone died, was going through cancer, lost a child? i do not and can not have that luxury of being able to have that first sip.  i am a drunk.

 funny thing about my program; you screw up and IF you make it back, generally you are received with open arms and encouraging words. Then there are those salty dogs that have taken a liking to you and hand your ass right back, ripped to shreds. You love them the way they love you, and if it were anyone else in the program; out would come a symphony of tears. I had both.

yeah, i am mad. but more sad. the first time i went it out, it was a genuine text book version of how someone may pick up a drink (or 1,000) and not even realizing they are doing it. i drank because i did not come into the program because i thought drinking wasn't fun. oh hell no, i came in because i knew i had a problem, but waking up feeling like car oil is in your veins, the vice grip on your head is at its last twist, and sound and movement make you queasy was a still fun (sarcasm) only, until you pick up the drink and it goes away and the evil momentum takes off again and again.

this time i loudly and clearly defended my right to drink. yep, called people just so i could say nope, not listening. who in the hell does that? i sat in the parking lot for 30 minutes people watching, trying do decide if i wanted to be one of 'those' people. then i went in and bottle sat for a good 20 minutes in the bag on my counter. then the brim was full of chemical smelling red liquid. another 10 minutes go by. burn, down it goes. you slam the rest otherwise you won't be able to drink it, but damn it you are defending your right to drink and not feel, go numb, foggy.

i heard two women around my age speak tonight about something they make have turned another cog in my recovery. they said ' i'm an alcoholic. when i first came in, i really thought when they said the craving and obsession go away, they mean forever.'  and i identify with that. first was fun, second to purposely numb my insides. and my insides look like those broken shells people buy and put into glass lamps (which btw, is like so mid-80s, put them away). they all, at one time housed a living creature. now they are left in a big glass holding tank where they are the living creature inside a shell. that shell being me of course.those shells will never do anything else. they are useless, broken, jagged and lost all their color. it's time to throw them away and fill this glass holding tank with something serene, flowing; a never ending ebb and flow of some vibrant  life.

i don't know how i am going to do this. i feel like the first time i walked in the halls. said i would not get another token of time, and people would not leave me alone about it. i didn't want another one. lord, i could hold a poker tourney.  yet i got one today. my bestie in the program purposely did chips, so i had to go up there. otherwise that would have prodded more attention on me.  i don't want recognition like that.  i just want to stay stopped. 

it is unnatural to be sober for me. how i redirect my thinking so that alcohol isn't an option is terrifying.  just for today.  keep it in the day. 24hrs. sometimes it is hour to hour. i would love to say, yeah it is that simple and anyone can do it, but for me, right now it isn't that simple.  i won't give up no matter how exhausting it is to get to the place where it is simple.  but i am tired. 

simple

just a quick shout out to those who love me until i can love myself.
i am so grateful and blessed with people in my life (and my HP of course) who truly, truly get it.
sometimes, we just need to be heard.
thank you for your support, love, kind words, hugs and tissues these past two weeks. i walked through a little piece of hell, came out the other side (still) sober, mentally/emotionally on track and more connected to my higher power and most of all physically unharmed.
you can't get better unless you ask for help. humility at its finest. (that sounded so ego but isn't the intention).
peace, love and light

mmmmmmmhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

brain. fucking. charge.
genius how the change of medication can help place you back in you.
positivity, hope, patience and grace found their way back to my energy.
feeling fluffy, light and thoughts of calmness. 

can i get hell yeah?

sometimes you feel like a nut...sometimes you don't

last monday i had a mental breakdown. how or why it happened, i only know the partial answer.
what triggered the breakdown is unknown and i may look into it, i may not. all i know is that i fell into an abyss of blackness, hopelessness and absolute insanity. my brain unraveled and unraveled quickly.
i have heard people say they wanted to die when in the throws of their disease; not me. i have wanted to die in sobriety. why? because i feel. i feel things that i have never felt. trauma and abuse from my past are coming back as i get more sobriety i get under my belt. i thought i had dealt with these issues, hell i have been in therapy half my life. but i suppose i would ignore them, then eventually i drank them down.
the pain i felt monday was unbearable and probably the worst i have ever felt. i was going to either drink or kill myself. yes, suicide. i had it planned. i was too scared to drink because i remember my last drunk as if it was 5 minutes ago and i knew, with every little piece of my being i could not drink. so i turned to an equally evil thought of suicide. it isn't pretty. it's embarrassing, it is shameful for me to admit it, but it was the only way out i thought. that whole day i talked to people and i was absolutely not willing to hear any suggestions. i was a three year old. as the day went on and my mental state worsened i called my therapist. now that wasn't my idea, that was my higher power and i know this because there was not a rational or sane thought in my head. my therapist picked up (which she never does), i told her my state of mind and she said you need to go to the hospital. she called, there was a bed available. i went. i went terrified and brimming with shame and humiliation. i was admitted. i spent monday night through friday morning at a psychiatric hospital.
i know why this happened. i was meant to go. because i was there, we found out my antidepressant i had been on for five years had stopped working. my meds were changed. i also found out about an outpatient program that is for women who have had trauma and abuse in their lives.  i need outside help. being sober gave me the opportunity to ask for help. as hard as it was to ask, i did it. i didn't drink and i did not hurt myself.  i celebrated 8mths of continuous sobriety 11/11. i didn't drink. i made it through a little piece of hell and did not drink. that is a miracle.
i met some pretty amazing people in there with the same issues as me. just as addiction doesn't discriminate, neither does depression and anxiety. the nurses, mental health workers, psychiatrist were phenomenal. no judgement. nothing but compassion, genuine concern and the honest desire to get me to a better place. if i had not gone, who knows what would have happened. but i never would have known there was a medication issue or a program that will teach me coping skills that in turn will continue to keep me sober. and for that i am truly grateful.
so anyone that reads this...know without a doubt you CAN stay sober and you CAN ask for help. don't let that ego and pride get in the way. it isn't worth it. please let my experience be yours so you do not have to go through the agonizing hours that i did.
accepting a double whammy, and  those whammies being mental illness (which has such a negative stigma) will take practice. let go of that concept is something i will need to practice. so i'm a nut. who isn't? at least i can admit it right? peace, love and light.

practicing

what a weird time...very weird.  so uncomfortable. so on edge and fearful.  bored. lonely. i don't know where it is coming from. not that i have to justify why i feel these things, because they are just that; feelings.  it gets easier, this i know to be true so i have to keep walking. haven't been in one of these 'moments' for a while so for it to come back, one would think i might have some sober reference on how to handle this. and i suppose i do. i have been doing the next right thing and reaching out, which of course helps. i am my own road block sometimes. keep practicing giving it up. keep practicing not taking myself so seriously. keep practicing being in the moment. and the moment isn't bad. the day isn't bad. being in my head, not so good. i need motivation (so i think).  i so wanted to check myself into butler last night. i was unraveling at the seams and for what? no idea, just that sense of meh. no particular reason to feel down but i do. it will pass, it always does. searching for that identity when i shouldn't be. searching for who i am, when i shouldn't be. it will all come when it is ready and this is what i need to remember right now. when i am ready, i will know. when i am ready, the answers will be revealed. when i am ready, i won't feel like this. who says you can't have a couple of crappy days? who says i have to be happy shnappy everyday? no one. expectations are sneaky little things aren't they? they set us up for elation or resentments. so for today, i won't drink and i will practice not having expectations. i am actually making myself giggle as i write. that is the best part about writing, getting those thoughts out, seeing them in black and white and thinking....you nut job. and i am; a total nut job. part of my charm. everyone needs a nut job. preferably one that doesn't drink. already feel better. back to whatever it was i was doing before i sat down.

a turn around

inspiration and strength are like these two invisible components we breathe that keeps us living. water and air, if you will indulge me on a weak analogy.  if i do not have inspiration and strength, i will perish to a really shitty disease. for realsies.
i thought i was having a piss clam of a day until about half an hour ago. i went over my day in my head....tried to think of the small stuff.  really, my day wasn't shitty at all. sure, i cried today.  i felt alone today.  i laughed today. i saw progress today.  i felt some serious love from genuine souls today.
perspective. balance. an honest assessment of oneself. the desire to really find your way and live your best life. all intangible and priceless qualities i aspire to have.

sneak attack

fuck. i have such a craving right now to get lit up like a christmas tree. out of no where this urge has hit me. so much so i wanna just go balls to the walls. i haven't a clue why. i have been so grateful and feeling like i am on the right path, meetings, helping others, praying, talking to my sponsor and others. holy shitballs do i want to get drunk. i won't because i tried that and it was liquid misery. horrendous. must remember my last drunk. i'm in a great mood. i just have this overwhelming urge to get crazy and my first thought was booze. i can get crazy other ways (that are appropriate) but the brain is saying GET DRUNK. fuck. it is saying you can drink, you are not an alcoholic. i hear it. my heart is saying shut the fuck up.
okay, had to get that out. make some more phone calls...pick up kids...soccer...etc. five minutes at a time here...no drinking. i can stay away from a drink. it will not do me any good. nope nope....

gratitude list

need to do a gratitude list..

new music really, super duper loud
caramel flavored coffee
health insurance
benny our dog
a clean floor
the chaos of being a mama to 3
hoodies
winter boots
knee socks
practicing not being concerned about what others think
my grandmother
the lion king (not in 3d)
tosh .0
a good red lipstick
my steam mop
absolute gratitude for being sober
halloween candy
pumpkin bread
a really good candle
the who
feeling every little thing
pedicures
the swagger wagon (it's on its last leg)
tattoos and more tattoos
meditation
my hyena laugh
big sincere hugs
photos
fall leaves

....and......i'm back. writing that is...

whoa nelly, it is the begining of november and i am just now getting back to my blog. that tells you something as i love to write.
i have almost 8 months of continued sobriety. i have 364 days of total sobriety.  and i have today; this very important 24 hours. that is all that counts. can i stay away from a drink for just 24hrs; and to that i say yes, i can!
where i am now is not much different from the last time i wrote, yet i am not the same person. early sobriety is a fickle friend. i love it, i'm confused by it, sometimes i don't think it likes me, i need it, i am still fearful of it....there was a book written a while back, something like 'all i needed to learn, i learned in kindergarten'.  i remember reading it and thinking how clever and simple the concept of living life if we just used what we learned in kindergarten. that is how i feel about my program. everything i need to know i am learning in AA.  nakedness is my wardrobe right now; completely exposed.  being comfortable with being uncomfortable is a common phrase my sponsor says to me. i am beginning to feel comfortable being exposed. this requires great effort, patience, trust and faith. 
pulling myself back into the day is becoming more of an option now. i can feel when i am getting away from the day and on a good day, pull myself back, redirect and continue on completely enveloped in the day. the good, bad and indifferent. i'd love to kick co-dependency in the baby maker and tell that confusing little issue to go take a hike.  it hangs on me like a high schooler's back pack. oh there is the 'healthy' co-dependency and the 'unhealthy' co-dependency AND you don't have to be an addict of any kind to have co-dependency issues. wait, co-dependency is an addiction of sorts. okay, whatever, you get what i am saying; it blows.  i find when i am not co-dependent in the unhealthy way, there is freedom. i may have to walk the walk of uncomfortableness for a bit, but when i come out the other side, i am lighter.  then comes the positive reinforcement which eventually will lead to less and less co-dependency...the unhealthy kind.  everything and i mean everything is about practice.  not long ago, i was in hit in the head (figuratively) that here i was trying to be perfect in a program that does NOT PROMOTE perfection, only progress.  i chalk this up to being newly sober. i am trying not to take myself so seriously, relax, breathe, sit, stay in the day, not worry about what others think (it is none of my business).  the last, is something i hear frequently.  worrying about what others think of me is an  understatement. i am such a child. all i want is acceptance, acknowledgement that i exist....i want someone else to re-build me.  and that isn't how it works. these holes have to be filled by using my tools. i must be the one that rebuilds the insides or, actually, just simply build. there was nothing there to begin with. weird to think i walked into the halls, so broken, guilt ridden, shamed from head to toe, disgusted and completely spiritually empty. today, that isn't me. not all the holes have been filled, actually not one is completed, but they never will be. this is a journey of self discovery, taking what works for me, throwing it into those holes, continue to dig and find the hidden treasures that make up me, because i do not know who that person is. ah, another gift of sobriety; a clean slate. 

grrr

hi. i am literally losing my freaking mind.
i need a straightjacket, a room at the nearest psychiatric facility for about 4 weeks and a possible lobotomy.
i'm breathing and breathing...but what i really want to do is break things and break things. clearly not the healthier option.
earplugs. ear drum removal. i'm pretty willing these days. i keep repeating 'i will not run away, i will not run away'.......

no one will take my kids

oh sweet little baby jesus.....i don't want to wish away summer...but....kids. what was i thinking? 3 kids in 4 years? oh yes they are sweet little cherubs when they are eating ice cream or sleeping, but o....m...g....the fighting. THIS is in insanity. i feel like a piece of gum on the bottom of someone's shoe and every time they take a step i get stretched a little further and i'm pretty close to snapping.
i had the great pleasure of having the afternoon 'off' yesterday. and i was grateful for every single nano second of it. just quiet. no one to talk to. no one to ask me to do anything. no one to reason/negotiate or separate.
i think i need a new fridge too...and i our computer is dying. i have this feeling it is about to pour around here so i'm getting out my mental rain boots and rain coat. but it's all good ya know. i'm not drinking, i don't want a drink. i'm a coping machine. hell, i just have to get through today. one day. i can do that. i may not have my wits about me by the time the day is over, but i will be sober.
total ramble here...but there are a lot of people that don't drink. i never realized that. celebrities too. weird huh? i guess when you hang out with people that drink sorta like you, you never noticed. not saying those i hung out with have a drinking problem; i couldn't say nor is it my place to make that judgment.  but, when your 'normal' is changed it's pretty cool to see that your new 'normal' is everywhere too. i like that. i like that i don't have to drink to have a good time. i like that i don't have to drink to get through my life. as much as some days i think a drink would help, there is NOTHING in this world a drink will make better. NOTHING. so it's off the table.
i should be finishing my laundry...and i will. then pack up the kids and go to the beach then come back and go to a meeting. so yeah, things are status quot, nothing crazy, no drama; a slightly bumpy road with three kids. but life is good.

please, take my kids

i'd like to put my kids in foster care for the summer. i know, it doesn't sound very maternal. i get it. but seriously, i sure do wish they would stop fighting and picking on each other and just flat out doing whatever they want. and before criticism forms in your head about my parenting, you can go fuck yourself.  i am a good mom. there are rules, boundaries and consequences, but sometimes, kids are just kids and they drive you up a steep, steep mountain where jumping looks rather inviting.
now i am in no way justifying my drinking...but i do see how i drank more when the kids were around. not something i am proud of at all. i actually have a lot of pain to deal with because of doing so. what i missed, what i didn't do, what damage i caused....but damn, the drink took the urge to kill them away. now i have to rely on what i've learned thus far. some days it works. but with them all home this summer i am struggling. sure i have a choice to have a different attitude and i try minute by minute yet their voices send daggers to my brain and make flames shoot out of my eyes. i get so heated with them. can they just be pleasant for say 3, 10 minute increments a day? is that such a high expectation?
drinking isn't an option nor do i want one. but i would like some mental relief from these kids. yes, i chose to have 3, blah blah blah...but fuck it's hard.

grateful list

time for another grateful list...in random order of course...

coffee with 1/2 & 1/2 and splenda
zinan's morning breath
padfoot our guinea pig
my medication and medical insurance
a daughter
two sons
insane laughter
medeski quotes
my husband's back rubs
people who really get me and haven't given up on me
big what up to HP
being raw and exposed
chocolate
music all of it
not drinking today
a sponsor who is unconditional
growing up
fresh flowers
fresh veggies from my father in-laws garden (even though they may be chemical laden...mmmm, that's good 7 dust)
watermelon season
frozen lemonade
kids who make their own sandwiches and make an effort to clean up after themselves
fresh towels
my husband making me coffee every morning
little sandy feet
sister in-laws
ice tea with lemon (unsweetened of course)
amy winehouse
harry potter

peaks and valleys

that is what it is....up, down...road blocks, open wide spaces, big fields....god this process is unreal. i'm not complaining today..just stating that it is unpredictable right now. but i know it gets better. even in my own experiences i have seen and felt it get better.
truly am trying to accept time and patience. some days i am better at that than others. the past few days have been much better because i have accepted that all this 'crap' aka life, takes time to sort out. and it will always be that way, just because i am sober doesn't mean everything falls into place when i want it to, or how i want it to.
saturday i was lucky enough to have a really exceptional day. i had a blast with my kids, then a date with my husband and then watched his band play. i danced my butt off and drank ice tea all night. i was around a lot of people drinking and again, no desire to drink. i wasn't even bothered by the antics. in fact, some of it was funny. what i am loving about being sober is getting through the rough patches because it gives me more freedom. when i can walk through something that feels impossible, not drink, it shows me i am being taken care of by my hp and it allows me to be more 'me'.  more comfortable in my own skin. saturday really gave me that opportunity. it was the first time in a while i was comfortable with who i was at that moment...i never really know who i am...that is part of the process of peeling away the old...discovering something new.
as hard as some days are, as confusing as some moments can be, i truly am grateful to be sober. it is not easy. but it will become easier. i don't automatically think of a drink when anything happens. that is a great feeling.
i was so sad to hear about amy winehouse. i've been a fan since she came out with the frank album.  i get so heated reading headlines like 'why wasn't she saved' or 'could she have been saved'.....it's a loaded question. my hope is that her death will bring more of a spotlight on the disease of addiction. people just don't get it...it's not a lifestyle choice. it's not a matter of will power. it isn't a matter of choice UNTIL you get help, support and a structured program. now, i have a CHOICE if i drink or not.  but it also isn't that simple. if i don't take care of myself, my disease is sitting and waiting to pounce on me the instant my guard is down. addiction is so complicated yet not. who knows why amy didn't get sobriety or why sobriety didn't get her. we will never know, because her disease killed her. even if it is discovered she didn't die of an overdose, look at her body, mind and spirit. her death was surely caused or was a byproduct, if you will of addiction. if anything positive can come from her passing, i hope it is that people who aren't suffering from an addiction understand that this is a real disease and it is always, always a matter of life and death. that is not an exaggeration. you don't have to be famous, poor, rich, black, white, woman or man; this disease does not discriminate.

livid

fuck this and fuck that. i am absolutely furious. sick and tired. it is never enough. whether i was drunk or sober it is NEVER FUCKING ENOUGH. i'm supposed to sit here and 'let it go' and continue on with my program and let time work. FUCK YOU TIME. i keep taking responsibilty, when does the other half? why am i not allowed to talk about their drinking and how THAT is putting us on different levels and we aren't progressing. why am i supposed to sit there and speak kindly and compassionately and try and put myself in their shoes all the god damn time. i've reached my limit of doing the next right thing. i am boiling over the top with anger and resentment, where is the outlet for this shit. if someone tells me to let it go i will stab them with my toothbrush. some days i can give stuff up and other times i can't. i get it, growing learning all that shit. but i feel as if i am suffering, i am taking the blame for everything. every fucking little thing. i'm not there for my kids? seriously? i am sober god damn it. i am TRYING to take care of myself without numbing it. i am TRYING to do the right things yet to someone else it's not being there for my kids. or it's not paying enough attention to them? jesus h christ, i'm not a professional juggler. which is it? you, kids, me, drinking, what?? someone tell me what the fuck to do. if it is so bad and you don't like me drunk and you don't like me sober then go the fuck away. cause i can't live up to your expectations or anyone elses. jesus. do i sound off balance, spiritually void. damn straight i am. zapped of all that is good. zapped completely. how am i supposed to continue to take care of myself, work the program when the other person resents what i am doing and is controlling what i am being told because they don't think i can handle it. how can i learn to handle anything if i am not given the chance. i don't need protecting. i'm not ever going to be, nor was i ever, a stepford kind of wife and mother. i don't do PTA, or bake sales, i don't go around with a permagrin on my face, i'm not fucking fake, i have emotions and feelings and i am not going to pretend that i don't or hide them. i will not. i am seething rage right now. seething. it has always been when there is an issue in my marriage it is because of me. when i was drinking, you betcha i had a hell of a lot to do with those issues and i take accountability for those. but i am sober now and i am trying. does that count for anything? something? getting a laundry list of stuff your partner isn't happy about with you while you are sober, well...you might as well pour me a fat fucking glass of wine. cause ya pretty much just made me feel like i am no better than i was. do i feel his points are valid, nope. but it still hurts. somebody else needs to step up to the plate. i'm not taking on anymore shit. i can't. i am so done right now. fuck it all and the horse it rode in on. go find what you want, what you think constitutes your perfect partner and stop punishing me for being me.

suggestions

aaaah...some relief. mentally and emotionally that is; not from the heat!
it is pretty miraculous if you are willing and listen to suggestions and take them. by doing so, i am in the moment these days. certain aspects of my life are not perfect, nor will they ever be, but, i don't have to figure it out this second. i do not have to have the answer this instant. and for most people, we expect instant gratification. our society is based on that these days. how many new phones come out per month with faster this and that? when you are an alcoholic, or one in recovery as well, you want it when you want it and you want it yesterday. and it just can't be that way anymore. it just can't. that slowing down of the mind, body and spirit is what keeps me in the moment. of course i am not always that way, i am learning, but the more i learn the less i know. it is quite odd really. if i can remember all will be well if i just let it go, then it shall be just that. simple but i can make it so complicated. how? because my natural instinct is my will, not my higher power's will.  and to be honest, an alcoholic that is sober is in an unnatural state. that is my opinion and from what i have heard, others as well. 
so today i keep walking. today i will just be. and i am grateful to be a sober woman!!

quatro

made it another 24 hrs and received my 4 mth chip yesterday. it was really nice. seems like a really long four months but i suppose it is because in the back of my head i keep thinking i would have had 8mths in just a few days. but i have to let that go. 
feels like now, i'm actually moving forward as i have never gotten a 5mth chip. so that is cool. 
still out of sorts a bit. waves of brief sanity hit me and i ride it for as long as i can. remembering this is only temporary, this schedule change, then it will change again.
that is all really. not much for words today.

cyclone head

i want to pull my god damn hair out. i am not doing something right. i don't know what it is. and even if i am doing everything right, then what does my higher power have in store for me. today was the first time in almost 4 months i craved a drink. all i wanted was an ice cold filthy martini while sitting and watching the ocean. then i would have wanted another. and another.
it is summer, it is hot, it is deck sitting weather, beach weather, kids home all the time weather. any excuse in the book i could use to pick up, but i am choosing not too. i want too. or my disease wants me too. it is telling me that i don't have a disease and that i deserve to drink. it is a constant battle in my head right now. that is why i know i am off. my insides are like a see-saw. my head is a cyclone to do list with no ending. i need to mentally file things away but i can't seem to slow my head down enough to do so. yet, i know i have to do it. i have no motivation. i need help, i need to be centered, i am not spiritually feeling fit at all. what the fuck happened? is it all the lead up to the 'holiday' and the after affects? is it because i am around drinking most of the time and it doesn't bother me while it is happening but later it does? i don't know. i know nothing. i am irritated, anxious, and plain ol' pissy. bleck. i hope i can walk through this sooner than later. or however it is supposed to go. i do have faith. and i did the right things today so that i did not pick up that drink. so yay for me right? fuckin' head space.

the next step?

what an emotional hangover i have today. yowzahs.  i put way too many expectations on the 4th. in new england it is quite the big deal (ever hear of the mayflower?) and in my husband's family it is truly christmas in july. there are activities days before and after the 4th. family from far away comes to visit, there are parties, beach days etc. it is all very fun and i have done it sober before, but i was pregnant. way different. like seriously, it's okay to be a raving lunatic bitch when you are pregnant, not so much when you aren't. i owe my mama in-law an amends about baked beans.
there were a few days i bowed out of activities and honored my own feelings; feelings of not quite being comfortable with the atmosphere.  not even the drinking, but more energy/chaos wise. i have always been extremely sensitive with energies and being sober magnifies all of that by a gazillion. so i stayed back. no pity party, just taking care of myself.  truly guilt free.
the day of the 4th arrived and i'm not sure how or when but i think i just thought it would be like any other fourth of july. and it was. but i was sober.
we went to the parade (and damn, do i hate me a parade) but this parade is the oldest in the history of the united states, so it's kinda a big deal. so i thought why not be silly and crown myself miss 4th of july. yes, they have 'real' miss, mrs. and whatever else titles for the float with all the ladies in evening gowns and sashes sweating their butts off. i had a lovely tinsel crown and a sash. i had a bit of fun and was silly and surely enjoyed those moments as they came.  but then came the OH MY GOD what in the HELL am i doing here moments. i was really uncomfortable. many reasons and none of them worthy of worry or being uncomfortable, it just was.  i did leave and make a meeting, which is always so wonderful and safe. 
i know from listening, reading and the promises, that one day, in time, i will be able to do things without the fears and uncomfortableness; and i believe because so many others do.  i just set myself up, that's all. i didn't drink over it, didn't have a craving for a drink but my character defects were surely present. 
after this experience (which is a good sober reference and 'first'), i think it is time to start step 4.  i will speak with my sponsor, but we have been discussing getting started. i am afraid of step 4. it seems really raw. writing down your character defects. but i hear and read how freeing it does become. and it isn't like this will be the only time i do a step 4 either. so, yeah, i think i'm feeling ready to face those defects so that i am free from bondage of self.
also i'm going through a change. not THE change but a change. my husband is working on himself, which i am honestly happy for him to get to the core of who he is and what makes him happy, because i can not,  it must come from within. the kids are all home all day now too, so i must change up my meetings. let me tell you, this sober mama does not like change. meh! i love my routine, i'm safe, it is predictable, i have my friends, i'm more open....but, my sobriety comes first so i must do what a sober mama must do and that is try other meetings.  i'm sure i will see a lot of the same people, my 'worry' is, i won't be getting to meetings until night. oh gawd, how do i get through the entire day with my three crazy yet adorable kids without completely snapping or breaking down? i guess i have to use the tools that i have. the phone is going to be a must. i use it now, but i text more than i talk. baby steps. i will actually call someone. it just feels weird all over again, but fucking get over it. i mean really, it is a phone call. yeah, so anyway, just a transitional period even though i feel like a glacier just shifted and the world is tipped, i'm certain all will be okay. my higher power is radtastic and even though i don't always like what 'it' decides for me, it works. so give it up and lock it up.

aaah....acceptance

what a word huh? acceptance? sometimes i think i have it, and as soon as i do, i really don't.  i must say the past few days have been so joyous.  i am really trying to grasp just living in the moment..dealing with what comes up, then moving on. life is life.
i went to my first wedding sober this weekend. man, that was one hell of a good time. so much fun. i have been having more and more fun sober, but this was a big event and it was fantastic. i had heard so many times in meetings that YOU CAN have fun in sobriety, and i believed because they believed. and now i am getting more sober references and it is absolutely FREEING. i am more extroverted sober than drunk!! who knew???
things at home have been up and down..but i am finding the beauty in being emotionally vulnerable. with that emotional vulnerability comes freedom and strength.  i am going to get hurt whether or not i'm sober. being sober though, and dealing with emotions/feelings allows me to grow, to learn and become more comfortable. if that isn't a gift, i don't know what is!!
i am so grateful. i really am. no matter what has happened since i sobered up, good, bad the ugly, i've been sober through it. i am facing fears and still walking tall.  i am slowly building some self worth, pride and esteem and damn it, it feels AMAZING and the best part is i am starting to believe i deserve it!!!!  i wish everyone could experience what it's like to be a member of AA. the things you learn, experience and feel are so amazing not to mention the friendships that are made. it's family. it's a bond that no one else understands. i am so lucky i have a place to go, to be heard, understood and comforted.

repo this

at this very moment...this sums it right up. 



http://www.vevo.com/watch/ray-lamontagne/repo-man-live-on-letterman/TIVEV1114531

who says

i don't know whether to wind my butt or scratch my watch right now. my world is topsy turvey, inside out and backwards. what in the holy hell is happening. i am on the edge, and it ain't of glory.  fuck fuck fuck. the drink is down, but there are those behaviors. it's okay to be angry but you have to do it nicely. says who? i fucking hate that shit. i want to be a raging bitch. but what good does that do? it's like taking a drink, feels good for about half a second then i have to deal with the consequences. total bullshit that i have to be an adult when others aren't. total temper tantrum. i want to kick and scream and tell everyone to go fuck themselves. i'm tired of doing the next right thing. i don't wanna. i don't wanna be kind, compassionate and put myself in someone elses shoes. fuck that, take a walk in mine you mother fucker. see how those bitches feel. but nooooo, that's not what i've been taught. that's not my HP's will, that's my will. and guess what, i don't get to do my will anymore, i handed that shit over. so what does that mean, it means i have to accept what is going on. i accept it alright but i don't like it. not one god damn bit. i hate it. but i'm doing it. i'm feeling it. i'm doing the right thing. i'm saying what i mean, mean what i say and saying it nicely. now where's my god damn lollipop for having good behavior? where's my treat? oh wait, you mean i don't get one because this is how a grown ass woman is supposed to act??? well poo on that. poo poo poo. thumbs way down. ups and downs...maybe a marriage, maybe not. all a holding pattern cause clearly i am not rational or sane enough to make any major decisions. and well, doesn't he deserve a little time to figure out his shit. yes, yes he does. but it doesn't mean i'm not resentful that he didn't get his shit together sooner. but the adult side of me knows, it takes a lot of courage to go get help. and i hate that i understand that. i don't want to understand that, it is fight or flight for me right now. not an option anymore. doing the right thing can be easy but sometimes it isn't. i am struggling. how the hell do you handle being anger sober? all i know is how to drink at people, places and things. waaa waaa, where is my diaper and bottle. yeah i'm a whiny little bitch right now but i can be cause it's my blog and i can cry if i want to.

just curious

most of my readers are anonymous..but i was wondering you folks that read from another country, how did you find this blog? were you googling vino or how did you stumble upon it? i'm just curious. and does it show up in your native language? wondering how this works and stuff and if you like reading it?

another 90

hit my 90 day mark again on thursday. i chaired my first meeting. i was scared to death. i knew the people in the room and i had shared many times, but to get in front of my peers and tell my story (experience, strength and hope) was really quite terrifying. but i faced that fear and did it anyway.
i do not remember everything i said and from what i understand, that is a good thing. means you spoke from the heart. i had prayed to my hp to just use me as a vessel to send a message.  not sure how well i did. but no matter, it was empowering and a moment i will never forget. i'll never have another 'first' on chairing. 
as of late, life has been going along. some dips, but i think i just have to take a step back and really make sure my actions and intent is on the up and up. make sure that if i do get angry over a certain situation, it is actually angry worthy, cause sometimes, they just aren't. i'm learning it is okay to express your anger and hurt but you can do it in a healthy fashion and not be hurtful (at least not intentionally). 
this time around, i'm not in a hurry. i wasn't scared to get to 90 days. i haven't felt the need to be 'doing more' in my recovery. being in the moment and knowing that recovery is not a race.  i'm going to make mistakes and not do things right all the time. but i am enjoying learning to be comfortable without chaos or drama. i mean, there is definite drama going on, but low and behold, i didn't cause it this time.
we went to an event last night as a family and had a great time. i was out there dancing. i have always, always loved to go dancing but before, i had to have at least 3 to 4 drinks in me before i would get out there and shake what my mama gave me. but now, since i've been sober, there have been two other occasions besides last night that i got out and danced sober. last night though, i had absolutely no inhibitions doing so and i was the first one on the dance floor! it was so freeing. i didn't care because who else would care? it had always been me that cared or worried so i needed that social lubricant.  my daughter and one of my sons came out and danced with me and we had such a blast. i was able to be joyous and free and be childlike with my own children. what a gift. those are the moments that make any struggle i go though worth every single second. it was also a great way for my husband to see that i can go out, be around other drinkers and still have a good time. it did drive the point home that if there is another activity going on besides drinking, i can do it, but i can't just sit around while everyone else is getting hammered. i'm not there today and who knows if i ever will be or if i would want to be. i'm living. i want to do things. last night was special and i am so grateful to have been given that gift. so i'm gonna keep on coming, because from what i am hearing, seeing and feeling, it does get better. little by slow. and i don't mind right now.

paging dr. get me outta here

after a nice little ambulance ride to the hospital because of chest pains....it is clear that i have to take care of emotional well being a bit better.  although the nitroglycerin did rid the chest pain and radiating arm pain, the ekgs and xrays showed nothing unusual. nor did the liver and gallbladder enzyme test.
after speaking with the doctor privately, i disclosed i am under a lot of emotional stress and fairly new in sobriety. she said that although they do think something with the heart acted up, it was more than likely stress induced.
i have had plenty of panic attacks and this was not a panic attack.
i think it was good for a person in my family to hear that, yet, i felt horribly guilty. like, once again, my recovery affects them. they had to miss an important appointment and this and that. it just makes me feel badly. not their problem, it is mine. i just need to figure out how to rid myself of those thoughts. i can only take care of my side of the street. i did see some extremely disturbing things in the er triage that was directly related to alcohol and/or drugs. i cried. those people easily could have been me. easily. my heart ached for them.
so i learned two valuable lessons yesterday. i need to really work on my emotional health and that the disease is alive and well and no one is immune from being put in restraints, having a blood alcohol level of 4.07 (yes, that is correct) or being completely out cold barely breathing with no shoes or a shower. i am no better, i am no worse. keeps it fresh.
i hope for some inner peace. one moment at a time.

not likin it

yeah pretty much everything sucks a big fat one.
keep on keepin' on. can't last forever.
never did i think being sober would destroy or take away people from my life. especially the one closest to me. but apparently, i don't get to make that choice and i have to accept it. who the hell knows, cause i sure don't. one day i will understand why this is all happening. fucking time.

a little humility

'we have a choice between doing what is right and what is easy. you are not alone, you have friends here'...dumbledore

total harry potter geek. but if you didn't know it came from a movie, or even a harry potter movie it makes sense.
sometimes doing the right thing is easy and sometimes not. 
the days ahead (one at a time though) will be difficult and i have the choice to do what is right or what is easy. pretty sure i've used up all my easy cards, and will be doing the right thing. maybe a few will be easy, i don't know.
sobriety changes everything and affects everyone. you hope in a positive way, however that isn't always the case. or maybe i could look at it as, it affects everyone and everything just the way it is supposed too.
with much certainty, i can say i do not like what is happening and the feelings (there is that damn word again) i must plod through.  i have to believe that this all is happening for a reason and i will be ok no matter the outcome.
would have been considerate of the ol' HP to have waited to through this at me a little later as i am still dealing with the loss of a parent. but, i don't get to make those choices or control these types of things.  all i know is it has to be done and i am trying with all my might, to handle the situation with restraint of pen and tongue, mean what i say, say what i mean but it say it nicely and to try and have some sort of grace.  anyone that knows me, knows i am not graceful in any sense of the word.  but here is to trying and being willing.
tomorrow is a new day and i look forward to waking up and seeing what it brings. period.
life goes on.

april showers bring more may showers

oh spring, how i used to love thee. now you can suck it. all this rain. great, good for the environment, plants, blah blah blah. horrible for the spirit. i'd live in Seattle or somewhere in Oregon if i wanted constant rain.  i'm hopeful this means a beautiful green, sunny summer. like the picture perfect new england summer. mid-eighties low humidity. aaaaah.
waiting for the sun to come out to get some more planting and redistribute some bulbs i needed to separate.  starting a small garden with broccoli, variety of peppers and tomatoes.  i have lettuce and herbs in containers already. if this garden goes well this year, then i will expand for next year.  i am really looking forward to a raised bed garden and letting the kids help. 
i feel like this will be an interesting summer. my first one sober in a while. again, since poppin out kids and what not. i will be sitting on the deck with ice tea not a cocktail.  i will go and do my run/jogs and not come home and slam a glass of wine, cause you know, that is real hydrating. i always wondered why gatorade never made a cabernet.
feels pretty good to want to take care of myself. try new things. i'd like to do a big paintball event for my 37th this year. it isn't until later, but i am already planning. i'd like to also really love to take the kids camping for a weekend or maybe a music festival. who knows. definitely some beach time. and if at all possible go to NH. i am yearning to get there. to go to the spot where i spread my moms ashes. to be in the white mountains, breathe in the clean crisp air. it is amazing to me how different i feel when i am in NH.  it really is my place of zen. i'd also like someone to take me on a motorcycle ride. i have always been afraid but i want to know what it feels like. i want to feel that adrenaline and know that i will be just fine. i want to go fishing. not on a boat mind you, baby steps. but a lake would be killer. boats and cruise ships are still floating coffins to me, but we'll get there. maybe. i don't have to over come every little fear. flying was a big one and if that is the only one i get over, then i consider that a success. i mean, you aren't going to catch me on those 4 seat planes, unless you club me over the head and handcuff me to a seat. that is just a flying coffin. never say never though.
anyway, guess this isn't a post about much. only what i am looking forward too. but i am enjoying the days as they come. some have been pretty...well..let's just say they have been 'growing' days. each day i'm sober, new things happen. new memories come back, some swell, some i'd like to crawl under a rock and rot, but i don't. life goes on. life happens. and i'm grateful to just be here and experience it all. the little things. i believe i shall  post a grateful list later, i haven't done so in a while. that is always a wonderful thing to see on 'paper'. 

i love being sober

been a whole 14 days since i've written. i've been bloggin in my head, which is good and bad. so much going on, it is called life.
i got my 60 day chip (again). remember the relapse oh, say 60 days ago. odd this time around. i haven't been counting the days, marking the calendar, wondering what it would feel like. that may change once i get passed the 5 month mark because i haven't technically gotten there, but i don't think i'm going to feel different.  it really is just 24hrs at a time. whereas before, it was this 'oh god, can i do it',  now, since i've turned my entire will over to my higher power (meaning, manage my life period, not just the bad stuff), things are simplified. don't get me wrong, i get hysterically historical as my sponsor says. that's when something happens that is a past trigger that creates a hysterical reaction. and let's face it, the last month has not been rosie posies...yet somehow, i have ridden the waves of emotional fears and not drown. i walked on coals.
i am learning that truly i have been fear based my entire life. of course we all have fears, but when they take over your body feels like it is in the middle of  a bad alien body snatcher movie and it paralyzes your thinking, your reactions etc. it is crippling.  but i am getting it now. fears are feelings and feelings aren't facts. i'm not ready to jump out of a plane yet, but fuck, i flew sober for the first time in over 10 years and took a window seat too; take THAT mr. cabernet!  i am able to react appropriately a lot more now. i am able to speak more freely without fear of judgment. i count in this world and whether anyone else recognizes that, doesn't matter as long as i do. who gives a flying fig if someone thinks i'm too mushy, or too tough on my kids or has a dark weird sense of humor and is inappropriately dirty. what matters is, am i taking care of my side of the street? am i vigilant about 'cleaning house'? am i hurting people with my words or actions? and hey, this program leaves a lot of room for mistakes. cause guess what we're human.
another fact of life i am getting more comfortable with is letting things go (back to turning ALL of my will over to my higher power, not just the shit).  sometimes i don't like the answers i get from my HP and i will more than likely throw a tantrum. but if i do, i do it alone, don't hurt anyone, i get it out of my system then get on my knees and pray and say 'okay, not thrilled with what you want from me, but you know best so i accept what is happening'. i sound like i found jesus under the sofa cushion or something, but it's not about that. it's about truly believing there is something out there bigger than ourselves. for some it is god..others it's the program..for me it's the universe. the spirituality of this program is truly filling the deep dark hole inside of me. that's the thing about AA, it is about spirituality. it's not about being a cult. everyday, i ask my higher power to keep me away from a drink, do it's will through me, show me the path, and some other things depending on what is going on...and at the end of the night i get back down on my knees and thank my higher power for keeping me away from a drink. and there are days i'm on my knees just asking for patience and willingness.. no matter my day, no matter what is happening, it is imperitive that if i don't pick up that drink, then i really truly believe it has been a good day. it's that simple. i don't always like that because i could find a hundred reasons why it wasn't a good day, but rip it all down and at the end of it all...if that drink is still there and not in my body, then yeah...it was a good fucking day.
getting back to the basics. not getting caught up. being in the moment. having an attitude of gratitude. a grateful heart will never drink and i sincerely believe that. and if i'm not feeling grateful, i call someone, or make a gratitude list. you can't be in a 12 step program and not work for it.
i have also come to realize that i thought i was the only one that had my story. i know that not to be true now. and what that does for me, is helps me let go of the false guilt and shame i've been holding onto for all these years. there was never anything wrong with me, things happened and i didn't have the coping skills or the right people to help me understand or explain what was going on. and it's okay. IT IS OKAY. little by slow i'm liking myself. i'm growing. i'm not so wrapped up in me. sure i can get like that, who doesn't, but i am not unique with my story. everyone's story, experiences are important no doubt, but our common denominator is that we chose alcohol to cope, to suppress, to numb, to come out of our shells, to form a facade because we didn't like who we were.
i'm happy to say, that for today, because i live for being present, i like myself. i'm feeling a little bit of pride in my strides. i'm feeling like this is the way out. i never have to drink again unless i want to. but why would i want to? there is no fun in the bottle for me anymore so for me to want to drink....well, it would be because my disease found a crack in my recovery. always vigilant. always remembering my last drunk. always remembering the people that have been in the program with me that have gone out and died. i lost a friend last week. came in the same time i did. he went 'out' and his mother found him dead the day before mother's day. that's what this disease does people. it will kill you and it doesn't care how great your recovery is going, as soon as you let your guard down, it will attack and take you down. i wanna live today.

the 'f' word...fear

the past two days i have been working in the yard feverishly. for the first time in a very long time, i've been sober for spring. other times i was either pregnant, had a new baby or drunk. i did not drink while pregnant or nursing, for some reason it wasn't a big deal. but soon after i would get the ball rolling. so this is the first spring in a very long time i am sober and for that i am grateful.  i have finally scrubbed and scrubbed the deck. cleaned the deck furniture and am getting ready to put in a new bed for the hostas i'm going to be splitting up. i have said i was going to split up these plants forever and well, drinking came first.
i went to a great meeting this morning and have been reflecting ever since. i have come to the realization the i am absolutely filled with fear. i knew this, but i didn't really 'get it'. i'm scared of every thing. my biggest fear is being judged. i've talked before about being comfortable in my own skin and how i'd like to feel that one day. i want it so badly. i want to be able to stop worrying about things i can not control. slowly i am learning. but just thinking, how scared i am of every teeny tiny thing is insane and paralyzing. fear of rejection, fear of failing, fear of loss, fear of making the right decisions, fear of disappointing others, fear of looking unattractive, fear of my body, fear of never being smart enough, fear of never being capable of doing anything correctly. how sad. i hope in time, each of those fears disappears, and i'm sure they will if i keep doing the work.
when  you are a perfectionist like myself (and i say that i am, but it is not in the traditional sense), the expectations i put on myself are unreasonable and anyone would fall short. i see that, i understand it, but learning to execute letting that go is something all together different. who do i want to be? what do i want to be? who is the real me? i just don't know. i don't know what i don't know. and i don't like that. all i do know is i'm an alcoholic in recovery. 
being sober this spring, i'm taking it slow. the fact i've done a few things outside is huge. really, for an alcoholic to complete a task is a big deal. keep it simple. break it down. be okay with the little things. i have to remind myself constantly of that. even if i think i've had a shitty day, if i didn't pick up a drink, it's a good day.
there are a lot of new things i want to try. i want to have the childhood i deserved. i want to let the inhibitions go naturally, not with a social lubricant. all in time i suppose. but for now, i'm glad i have at least gotten outside these last few days instead of sitting inside.

clamtastic

man do i feel like a flippin' two year old today. temper tantrum city. ick!! i wanna kick and scream and yell ' leave me the hell alone'!! i don't want drama. i don't want to feel like i'm being manipulated and i certainly don't want to deal with any of this bullshit.
you know, someone dies; it's hard, devastating, you name it. but it does not ever stop there. always something or someone pops up out of hole like an obnoxious gopher eating your newly planted garden of peace and acceptance. can't i just get through one freaking thing before another starts? life on life's terms...blah blah blah. yeah well life you can suck it. oh i'm grateful and i have a grateful heart, but i don't have time for bullshit, hearsay, drama and the like. nope. no fucking time. but look at me, stewing over it. let it go. let it go. i'd really like to, and hopefully i will, but right now it's sitting on me like a dirty diaper; heavy and stinky.
fucking people and personalities. fucking people not doing the right thing. fucking people putting me in a position of having to do the right thing (which is what i practice, but i don't like being forced) when no one else IS doing the right thing. waaaa waaaa..see what i mean, temper tantrum. my will and my resistance is at a high right now. i'm off the beam with my spirituality big time. at least i recognize (pop pop).  need to get down on my knees and pray a little bit harder, a little bit longer and be okay with the outcome. i can't control other people's personalities and their choices but i can let my higher power take care of mine. just haven't asked i guess. lazy. and i feel like being a brat. but again, my will, not my HPs.
do me a favor people, if you are ever in a situation where there is a death, a Will, other deceased relatives belongings in the mix, do the right thing. stop and think. if it isn't yours, if you didn't acquire it with the person that just passed, give those things to the right people. it has nothing do with money but everything to do with memories.
back on the ol' knees. knee pads for a bday gift would be greatly appreciated.

to be sad without other attached feelings.....

not long after i posted on the 18th, did i learn of my father's passing.
i found out in the most unsavory way; via facebook.  i had somehow been forgotten. no one called until hours after he passed nor was i notified of when he was taken of life support 5 hours prior to his death.  i truly freaked out, acted out and was down right furious. i haven't felt anger like that in years. i was throwing things across rooms, screaming and yelling, swearing and crying. i literally fell to the ground in a heap of soggy bones. i knew in my heart he wasn't going to recover, but once again, i felt forgotten, abandoned, dis-counted. damn, my whole life i had felt that way and once again i was living it.
that raw, gutted, open sore was re-opened once again. it barely had a slight scab over it and now it was re injured. i must admit, i did not present my best self when calling the icu and asking on the status of my father when the nurse told me i was indeed not the next of kin, nor did i present my best self when the bearer of grim news called. i did however call that bearer of news back and apologize. i made a silent amends to the icu nurse who got herself a new asshole. what can i say? changing behaviors is difficult and not reacting is well...a challenge. i had already not reacted while i was down visiting.to many situations, how adult like did i have to be in this situation? who really could have not gone ape shit after hearing about their parents death via facebook? i forgive myself because i think my reaction was pretty normal.
the service is saturday and i am not making the trek down there again. the decision was a struggle but i really needed search and figure out why i would be going as i had already gone down, made my peace and felt he knew it too. would i be going out of guilt? would i be going because i was afraid of what other people would think if his only child was not there? would i not be going down out of fear? so many questions to answer with very limited time. i received my answer during a meeting.  again, this program blows me away. i truly wish people who weren't alcoholics took or could take advantage of the program. it is teaching me how to live. to do the next right thing. to accept the unacceptable. to let go of control. to know what it feels like to grow as a human being and grow into the person i've always wanted to be. i am so grateful.
while i will not be at the service, i distinctly remember my father's words 'funerals are for the living. i want a jazz band and an open bar'.  i would reply 'you can have the band, but not the bar'. his wife is fulfilling his wish of the jazz band. and she too said no to the open bar. the service will be big and for those lives he touched in a positive way, will be there to pay their respects and give some love to his wife.
honestly, it doesn't matter if i'm there or not. his soul knows where i was when it counted most; by his bed, holding his hand and opening my heart to him.  do i have regrets not doing it sooner? no. he was still who he was, and did what he did. but i cleaned up my side of the street and forgave him for his side. how would it have gone if i had done it while he was alive and healthy? i will never know. sometimes, we just have to accept the way life plays out on life's terms.
i have not had a drink. i don't plan on having a drink.
i do hope my father has a peaceful afterlife whatever he believed (it changed often).  i hope he has an open heart, open mind and gives my mom the biggest hug and sloppiest kiss ever recorded. that brings me peace and comfort; they are back together.

making peace

made the trip to florida. i was a numb hurricane. the factors that surrounded my trip were overwhelming at best. my two best friends were with me, which helped with my overall comfort level. unconditional support and they have known my story for quite some time.
seeing my father for the first time, didn't create the reaction i would have thought; i think i was mentally prepared for the visual. i spoke to him and held his hand.  i would feel little twitches, whether they were responsive or reflexive who knows. i left for a bit then came back for a night visit. that visit was much harder. my heart was open more and when i looked at him, he wasn't the man i called by his first name, he was my father. he was my father laying there with severe brain trauma, broken clavicle, arm, sternum, hip, fingers, face disfigurement, staples in his head where a portion of his skull had been removed and a tracheotomy. i spoke to him some more. i said things i didn't know i could say. i said things i didn't think i was ready to say. but i faced my fears and the compassion flowed through me and into him.
the next morning i went to see him but i was struggling with whether i should stay or not. what was my purpose for going to see him? did i accomplish that? would i be staying for me, or staying out of guilt. the tsunami of emotions started to crest and i felt like i was drowning all over again. after talking to many people, i believed after i saw him i would know the right thing to do.  i went in to see him, and talk to him again. this time i broke down and sobbed. no matter the horror of our relationship or lack there of, there he lay lifeless and the words of forgiveness, and letting him go came to me and slid off my tongue into the universe. i said my goodbyes.
i was able to have a heart to heart with his wife afterward and tell her i was leaving that i had come to do what i needed to do for me and for him.  she still has hope he will recover; i do not. his injuries are so horrible, i don't want him to survive and have a grim quality of life. his love of playing the piano will be gone. if he were to live and couldn't play the piano he rather be dead.  this i know to be true.
i hope his wife in time, a shorter, rather than longer amount of time, will be able to make a decision with regards to life support. it would be better though if he had no brain function and the doctors could make that decision for her so she could be free from guilt. he has only one remaining brain function at this time and the likelihood of any functions coming back are very slim, but she is not ready to hear that just yet. and that's okay. 
i have peace with him. i let my anger and resentment go toward him. it is truly unfortunate it was done under these circumstances, but i had the gift of time to go down and do so and for that i'm grateful and will not have regrets.
my higher power, the program and my friends carried me through one of the scariest times of my life. i am proud of my behavior, i am proud of the decisions i made and i am proud i did not pick up a drink.
the promises say, we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us...that is so true.

testing testing

i sit here with 3 hours of sleep out of 48. my father with whom i am estranged, was involved in a very serious head on collision monday morning. he injuries are numerous and some are very severe. there is no way of knowing at this point if he will survive. it is a waiting game.
i have decided to go and take the trip and see him. he is in a coma. i am no where near my making amends step, and to be quite honest i don't know if i would make an amends. there are several ways to do it. but anyway, i am going. going to make peace with him whether he lives or dies. i'm not swooping in like the long lost daughter, quite frankly i feel like a stranger. the plethora of emotions are drowning me. my brain is short circuiting.
today was a hurricane. everything depended upon something. no plans could be made. had to wait for this phone call. all the while knowing in my heart i have to go down there because it is the next right thing to do. i know my mother would want me there. and i do need to be there. my motivation is out of love. it isn't a kissy kissy reunion, it is a forgiveness moment in time. do i feel ready to forgive him? do i feel ready to forgive myself? no. no i don't. but i do know that this is a gift from my HP and i must be grateful and do my HPs will, whether it is something i don't think i'm ready for. i have learned my HP knows what is best for me and others. so while i can't sleep, my head hurts, my eyes burn, my mouth is dry and stomach nauseous....i will get back on my knees and pray.
i did not drink today. my hope is i don't drink tomorrow. my wish is not to feel a thing as this is all too familiar. but my wish is not my HPs will. i have faith that this untimely journey will make me a stronger person. i really don't want to be any stronger. i feel i have faced enough tragedy and trauma, but apparently i look like a good punching bag to someone. so i'll take this hit for my mom, for my dad and for myself. i am scared to death. i miss my mom so much right now i literally feel sick.

another 30

yesterday was my second time around with 30 days. so very different this time. i barely remembered because i'm not 'white knuckling' it anymore. meaning, i don't have the craving or desire to drink. it's about me LIVING SOBER.  it isn't about putting the drink down (at least for now cause the disease is cunning, baffling and insidious) but how to let things go. so i wasn't looking at the calendar everyday going 'okay, i got through today without a drink' because i know from my relapse i don't need the drink. the fun is gone. and if i'm lucky, maybe that experience has taken the compulsion and obsession away. i don't know yet. i don't know much of anything accept that this program blows my fucking mind sometimes!!
last week i was struggling, but i knew to walk through it and i did. i knew not to question it too much because sometimes you just don't know until you know. it all culminated with an amazing conversation with my sponsor who said 'ok, you are ready to start your steps'.  some people do there steps right away, some wait, it all depends, there are no rules and it's up to you and your sponsor to decide. well, really your HP. anyway, after this talk with my sponsor i felt an enormous relief. i had gone to a big book study where we talked about chapter 5 'how this all works'...the speaker was amazing and really explained things so well and it clicked. you only hear the message when you are ready and teachable. and i guess i was that day.  long story short i ended up doing my 3rd step unknowingly after that meeting. the 3rd step is completely giving your will to your higher power.  i had given some of my will away, but i'm sure you can imagine how hard it is to give your will away when all we are taught is self will, self control etc. seems counter intuitive. but i realized that my life was unmanageable sober, not just drunk. i couldn't/can't even manage my life sober. and that is because i try to resist. it is human nature. so out of nowhere, i was praying for a friend and i had  like the out of body experience where i asked my higher power to take control. take it all. i gave it away. i may not like how things are being managed, but i know that my HP knows what is best for me and for others. so of course it takes practice, it's not like i've been hit with a thunderbolt and i'm all roses. BUT, i know my HP has my back. and when i start to resist what is going on i will keep walking through, i know what to do. let me tell you it is freeing. i don't have to be in control anymore. and let's face it, most of us, especially an alcoholic or addict are control freaks. but i have the CHOICE and knowledge now to know that i don't HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL. that doesn't give a free license to be an asshole. i'm assuming my readers have some brain cells and understand that. so hear is another miracle...and yes, i truly believe me hearing the message when i did and doing what i did was a miracle. i went to a step meeting that night and it was all about the 3rd step. i picked up my son the next day from preschool which i don't usually do and the director who i never see asks about my daughter. i just opened right up to her about some issues we were having etc. she told me they just compiled a new list of resources for families, so if i don't get the answers or services i need from my daughter's school, she will give me the list. now here is where i see the miracle. i don't go to pick up my son, i never see the director and if i hadn't been going to meetings for 6 months i would have NEVER EVER opened up about what was happening in my life. i say that because i share in almost every meeting i attend. it helps me practice speaking about my feelings, learning to trust, being honest with myself and most importantly asking for help when i need it. and that is exactly what i did with the director. some people may read this and say oh, coincidence, but i don't believe that at all. there are no coincidences when you are open minded, teachable and ready to hear. so all and all, i'm feeling really great with my progress. sure, i wish i was coming up on my 6mths instead of just a month, but i will try and let that go today. really, it is just one day at a time. ONE DAY AT A TIME.
i love AA. i love the unconditional support, love, understanding that you get when you walk into those halls. you can't get it anywhere else. our stories may be different, but our common denominator is that we are alcoholics. i have had people literally just look at me before i spoke and said 'you aren't doing well, what's up'? i'm always amazed because they are right. yet, i can do the same thing to someone else...you just know. i can honestly say i am grateful to be an alcoholic. i truly am. i know what my problem(s) are/is and i am learning the tools through this program to live a happy, honest, joyous and free life. one day, i will be able to forgive myself for past behaviors (not condone, but forgive), i will be able to forgive those that have harmed me, i will be able to look at myself in the mirror and not hate what i see and actually love what i see. i will one day have that self esteem that i have yearned for, craved for my whole life. i will be able to feel like i am worth SOMETHING that all those past words don't count, matter and aren't fact. but only I CAN DO IT...people can say it to me a hundred times, but unless i believe it deep down inside, it doesn't matter. i'm slowly building a spine, filling my insides with spirituality and love... it's a journey. it's an amazing journey full of pitfalls, boulders, rainbows, fireworks, tears, and growth. i am grateful for this journey and that it is a life long journey.

let it ride

man do i wish i had some happy shnappy shit to write. but i don't. it's not like rusty knife horrible but it's the roller coaster. hate this fucking thing.  i need tear duct replacements from crying so much. some crying for no reason, some crying from triggers. you just never know. and the guilt. god the guilt is the hardest. i feel so badly for my husband. i have to take care of myself right now and this first year is especially selfish, and it's so unfair to him. and there isn't a damn thing i can do about it. guilt doesn't help it either. just have to let it go. the hardest part about this program is you don't know what you know until you have gone through it. by turning my will over to my HP, i have no control. nada. and i have to be cool with that. i'm working on it. i don't know...so much in my head it's like a hamster on a wheel right now. but no desire to drink so that is always a plus.  i just keep praying for acceptance, willingness and guidance cause i am a lost soul.

not much

had a fantastic weekend. went to see grace potter with a really good new friend and we had a great time. quite different from the last time i went to see a show at 19 days sober and felt so completely alone and awkward and weird. no desire for a drink or even thought of one. also a good friend from high school came to visit with her friend to meet the family.  it was so great to have company and to cook and hang out.  i am really tired today. i don't think i've had a weekend this busy since christmas time.
anyway, things are good. i don't have much to say. mentally i think things are going as they should. i'm missing some people, but i guess that's what happens. it does make me sad knowing that me being sober and the ups and downs can and does push people away. i hate for that to happen and don't mean for it to, but it does and well, such as life.  suppose that is it for now. mentally wiped out. but overall well. :)

:)

just wanted to say i am doing really well.  had a few crappy days, but that's how it goes. the good news is, not one desire to drink. i like that.
if i wasn't struggling with feelings and learning how to live, then i wouldn't be growing. so over a week of sobriety...it does suck to think those 5 hrs screwed up my date...i would have had 5mths on the 18th. but you know, it's okay. if i hadn't experienced those 5hrs, who knows what would be going on. so i'm just grateful.

give it away give it away give it away now

the embrace of support and love has been overwhelming....and then walks in the dick.
this particular person just couldn't help themselves and wanted me knocked back down.
saw this person in a morning meeting and they said some pretty negative things to me about my slip. okay, that is their opinion. as my father says 'opinions are like assholes, everyone has one'.  while i vehemently disagree with this person's opinion on how MY slip will affect ME considering this person only knows my name, not my story, or even had a conversation with me, it is their opinion.  but words hurt. words have hurt me more than anything in this world. not the physical, sexual abuse and sexual assault but the mental and emotional abuse. that's what sticks with me.  and of course this reminds me of the elementary saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me'. not so true in my case. i'm working on it, but i'm not there yet.
this person was at my evening meeting. and before my meeting i prayed to my HP (actually got on my knees..i have heard get on your knees, but just learned that these people meant literally get on your knees...had NO clue it was because it's the most humbling position to be in while praying...i thought it getting on your knees was for other fun stuff..haha..a little humor folks)...but anyway, i got on my knees and prayed that when i spoke at the meeting that my message would be positive, share my experience of how a head full of AA and a belly full of booze don't mix etc. and that i wouldn't speak with any anger or resentment toward the person who wasn't very kind (they were going to be at the meeting).  and my prayers were answered. i spoke my message of hope and of the lessons learned and i also said something that i never even realized until i was talking and that was; when i walked into AA, i walked in because i knew i needed help, i knew my drinking was out of control and that my life was unmanageable and i walked in out of guilt.  i didn't walk in thinking drinking wasn't fun. there have been many that have walked into the halls because they knew for them, there was nothing left in the drink for them, it wasn't fun. they were sick and tired of being sick and tired.  so my point is, that perhaps my slip was because i hadn't gotten the message that the drink wasn't fun, i had to get almost 5 mths of sobriety and hear the message of AA and learn about the disease a bit more to fully understand that the love is gone. i got that message loud and clear.  okay, back to the meeting. so i had decided prior to the meeting that i was going to talk to this person and tell them their words hurt me. i never stand up for myself. my intention was to just let them know; i had no expectations. i wasn't looking for anything. what i got was more knock downs and insults.'toughen the fuck up, your self centered (duh, i'm an alcoholic), but the stinger that set me off was as i was walking to my car they were in front of me with another person and they were bitching about me. out of no where (we alcoholics like confrontation even if we hate it), i say 'uh, yeah i'm right here and i can hear you. not appropriate'.  that set this person off on me. basically their message was i will never be the same because i slipped and that i have to start over (no shit i have a new sobriety date) but their point was my almost 5mths of sobriety doesn't count. doesn't count? how can it not count? i lived those days sober. i lived the joy and the pain and because i made a mistake doesn't make those days, those feelings just disappear. as a friend pointed out, it's like saying 'oh i drank for 20 years but i don't drink now so those 20 years never existed'.  who is this person to say i will never be the same for taking that drink(s) and that it will take me months to get back to where i was? don't assume shit people. yeah i won't be the same, but in a positive way, and it won't take me almost 5mths to get back because i learned something from that quick relapse. i learned a whole fucking lot.
so the best thing for me to do is/was ask my HP to take the anger, resentment and feelings of failure away. and so last night i got on my knees AGAIN, and prayed and asked for those things, and i even threw in a few prayers for the person.
so today is a new day, i gave it away, i harbor no resentment or anger today. i know that today, only i can say how i feel. those feelings are mine and no one can say they are wrong. they may make suggestions if i am thinking or feeling in an unhealthy way but not wrong. i talk to my sponsor, they let me know if i am going in the right direction. i talk to my HP, it lets me know if i am going in the right direction.  the words that person spoke were glue and i am rubber...what they say bounces off of me and sticks to them, cause i gave that shit away.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KkUeRPjc-Y

relapse

ratting myself out as they say.  i relapsed last night (3/10).  i have no reason or even know how it happened. i was on auto pilot. i bought the wine and i drank it. it tasted like poison and i felt like, well, i had one glass might as well have fun. cause that's what you do as an alcoholic, you just do it. and i did. and it was horrible. there wasn't a bit of fun to be found in that fucking bottle. the fun of alcohol is dead for me. my love affair ended. we broke up over the toilet as i was puking my brains out. i haven't puked from alcohol in years. YEARS. but you go for almost 5mths and take yourself out, it's bound to happen.  i woke up this morning and not only did i mentally feel like a piece of shit for picking up, i physically felt horrible. in the midst of my drinking, i called people in the program and ratted myself out to them, i don't know why, but maybe my higher power was like 'hey, if you are doing this, let's at least get you help for tomorrow'...that's how i have to look at it.  so anyway, i was laying in bed this morning thinking, omg, i haven't felt this way in almost 5mths and i used to wake up like this almost 7 days a week toward the end.
i made it to my morning meeting. waiting for me were people who knew, and wrapped me in their arms and showered me with love and hope. i had to tell the meeting i went out. there were some gasps, but not in horror or shame, just sadness because they know. 
after the meeting i talked to so many people who made sure i knew i was loved and supported and told me to put the bat down and don't beat myself up. today is a new day and i walked back into that door. i have to tell you that i have an overwhelming sense of relief and inner peace.  maybe picking up was the best thing i could have done for myself because now i know. i know in my heart of hearts drinking has lost it's luster. i have a head full of AA and a belly full of booze don't mix.  so, i fucked up. i am human. but i picked myself up and walked back into that church basement full of shame and toxic blood but i left a woman burden free. i can't quite describe what it feels like.
what i get from this program is priceless. it's unconditional love. it's hope from people who may know you well, or maybe not. they care. they care about me because that's the gift of sobriety. they love me and will love me until i can love myself. they will hold me up if i let them. i don't have to do this alone and i don't have to feel like i'm burdening people when i'm hurting or sorting things out. believe in the fellowship is what i need to do. have faith in my higher power.
so i have a new sobriety date 3/11.  worst band ever. awesome.  but, it is the day before my oldest child's birthday. that is a gift. i had almost 5 months of sobriety but those months are still there. they don't disappear. so my date is different, but i won't let those 5 mths go, cause i worked hard. i felt feelings. and i may have just learned the most beautiful lesson thus far; i no longer look at alcohol as a lost lover. it is pure poison and i am just lucky enough that i have the most amazing friends who got me back in those doors in less than 24hrs of me picking up. forever grateful. i love them all so much.

it will be okay

yesterday i was at a meeting when the topic turned to something so incredibly personal and painful. i was not expecting it, and it hit me right in the guts. there was a reason i was there and a reason i heard what i heard.  can't say that i was prepared or even wanted to go there because it hasn't been something i've even tried to delve into being sober.  but i didn't have a choice, it was right there in my face.

another one of the 'firsts' i talk about.  the thing about sobriety is, you don't get to chose when you want to deal or feel certain things; it just happens. that's where step three comes in handy if you can do it. that means giving it up/away to your HP and letting happen what is supposed to happen. let go of the control and hand your will over to your HP. it's not easy and it doesn't happen with a big neon sign that says "HAND IT OVER" or "YOU JUST DID STEP 3".  i say this because the other day, step 3 did happen and i didn't even know i had done it until it was pointed out to me by my sponsor. what an amazing feeling that was. that the program is slowly working through me. but back to yesterday. 

i was transported back to being 22 years old and to the day, the moment my mom died.  i'm not going into specifics but it was so painful and surprisingly not because of the death, but because of the broken record of my 'father's' words. they wouldn't stop playing in my head. i physically felt ill. it blows my mind how powerful words are and how long they stay with you. i was on the phone with my sponsor hysterical crying, screaming, acting completely irrational. i was that 22 year old. and thank the universe i have a sponsor who gets it, gets me and believes in me. boy did she inherit a mess when she agreed to be my sponsor, but it doesn't seem to scare her.  what i keep learning is, i am not the only one. not that i ever thought my story/past was special, i just had no idea that there are others out there that have endured worse or less than i have. it's called being self centered i suppose or just naive.  i have to keep remembering that feelings aren't facts, his words were his anger that he felt towards himself. they were misplaced on me. i got the brunt of everything that was wrong and nasty in his world. why? because he himself is an alcoholic and he didn't know any better. doesn't make it right, doesn't make my pain any less, but it does put me in a place where i can try and start to heal because what he said isn't true. i write that, but i don't believe it....yet.  it's going to take however long to get there, but i will get there. i will break this cycle. i will allow my children to grow into adults that don't have to re-live their childhood and try to have a happy one as an adult. 

letting control go feels impossible on a good day. but letting it go will allow me to be free. this is a fact. i'm not rushing the process because i can't, it isn't in my hands anymore. but i wouldn't mind a full 24 hours of just plain ol' nothing. a day that has no drama, no negative feelings, no new thing to deal with, no situations, no nothing. i guess i'm asking for 24 hours of peace. what i have learned is, you can't ask for that. you ask for the tools to get you to that point. if i'm just handed that 24hrs of peace, i won't have a clue of how i got it; i have to understand the process of getting there. so that's what i will do.  i won't drink today. i will talk to my HP today.  i will go to a meeting today.  and i will do my best to let things fall where they may. 

meh

hypochondria has set in. i am in fear i've done some serious damage to my liver and its ability to function properly. not going into it at the moment cause it is fear based even though i am exhibiting symptoms. i will need to make an appt. w/ my dr. should be a fun appt. 'oh yeah, you know how you asked how much i drank a week and said more than 7/8 per week was the MAX, and i said, that maybe i drank that much; well i was lying to you the whole time'. that should be a hoot. nothing like being a grown ass woman and having to tell another grown ass woman that not only you are in recovery for alcohol but you are also a liar. good times lay ahead. the dreaded question of  'how much were drinking' will come next and quite frankly i can only recall the last few months of that, not the two/three years prior. i can't wait. 'supose this is taking accountability for my past actions. how humiliating.
i've got my drama queen crown on today. i just feel whoa as me, and the crazy part of it all is i had a good day until 4pm. nothing like a light switch turning your moods/emotions on and off. could we lose power on this one?
dear god, i think i need to be on some serious anti-psychotic drugs.  or just put out to pasture and die. i am really just not diggin' today. oh well. fuck it.

music therapy....

anyone that knows me, knows i love, breathe and worship music. this is what is on my mind today...the first link is ray lamonagne and these two songs that he plays feels like my breath.





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAsmvFjqVwo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijAai55TbfI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0put0_a--Ng

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5RuGj0g1tk

http://youtu.be/lqSKVv6YO8g

PSA: READ CAREFULLY

here's what i think. i think if you are a woman, and you are in recovery for an addiction issue that you should be spared PMS. i mean, seriously it's a double whammy. you are already a freaking mess and then once a month you are a naturally a raving, homicidal maniac (ok, i am) and you must deal with that nonsensical unreality or reality. good god. PMS for me is just ridiculous. it's better now that i'm not drinking (i.e. less urges to actually throttle random strangers, poison my family, kick babies) but the waterworks make the hoover dam look like a pond.  my poor kids think all i do is sleep and cry. they are gonna grow up with a sober mom but think she was the laziest and saddest woman on the planet. poor kids can't catch a break. 
so i'm sober, i'm pmsing, clearly i need chocolate. always had a sweet tooth but now i'm on the hunt constantly to satisfy that craving.  here i am at super wal-mart (as i've stated before, it's not that super) and there is so much stimulation, people watching, trying to find what you are looking for because it's been moved twice in one week, they have sample product placements in the middle of the smallest isles and off goes my cell phone. it's my sponsor. okay, so i know i can't drive and talk on the phone. i just don't do it. i forget i am driving a piece of machinery. i'll start digging in my purse while chatting, swatting at kids so they'll pipe down; bottom line, it's a no go.  yeah well can't shop and talk either. learned that lesson the hard way. 
chatty kathy here on the phone with my sponsor in super wal-mart, looking for things, bumping into displays, sobbing and i get to the coffee/tea isle.  we needed coffee, grabbed that. and i wanted more herbal tea. i drink a lot of mint tea but low and behold i see the word CHOCOLATE on a box of tea. it danced and sparkled in my eyes; i must have this, i thought! a way to curb my sweet tooth without all the sugar and calories. throw it onto the heaping cart that i am unable to push with one arm (no i didn't lose it, i was still on the phone).  so fast forward a day or so. 
having a sweet craving so i bust out the tea. now, i always, always put two tea bags in one cup. cause hey, one is never enough for this addict.  make myself a cup of chocolate tea (2bags)...not bad. slightly nutty, nice cocoa flavor, okay i'll have 7 more cups (2bags each) throughout the day.  whatever, it's tea. 
wake up the next morning in excruciating pain. i'm dying. my appendix needs to be removed. i'm in labor. i have food poisoning. i don't know, but my HP pulled my number and this is the end for me. next thing i know i'm doing the 50 yard dash to the bathroom.....for the next oh, 12 hours.  whilst running to the bathroom and losing various internal organs to the sewer system, i continue to drink more tea..gotta stay hydrated! i don't know, something made me actually LOOK at the box the next time i went to make tea. uh yeah...it said:
Chocoalte
Smooth Move
stimulant herbal laxative
they had me at FREAKING chocolate and i never read the rest of the bold capital letters. not sure hellen keller would have missed that.
see none of this would have happened if a) i wasn't pmsing b) i wasn't in recovery and c) if i could talk and shop at the same time. yes, i am projecting all of this on non tangible situations because i am an idiot.  i am now on a waiting list for a sphincter transplant. like i've said in another place, tmi? i think not. it's a public service announcement.  ALWAYS STOP AND READ THE LABELS VERY CAREFULLY!

friends...the other white meat

i woke up this morning to a lovely email from a childhood friend. i teared up as i read their words. they were touching but more importantly that validated a period of time that i thought was invisible to others. we are the same age and yet, they knew something, felt something was not quite right.  their words were like a heaping bowl of mashed potatoes; complete comfort. 
i had a lovely visit with one of my best friends up here in RI.  they have been incredibly supportive since the day i told them that i was an alcoholic.  i don't know. it's so strange sometimes because words can hurt or they can heal. lucky for me today, they were all healing. i was teachable today. i realized that my normal isn't normal. sure, that could go for most people too.  really, really hearing what i said out loud kind of made me take a step back and think, this is not right. i have to redirect my thinking. that's what i try to do everyday and god damn, it is exhausting. it is a rebirth. i know i'm repetitive in a lot of my blogs but that's how it goes folks.  i heard repetitive garbage for so long, i need to hear repetitive positivity and love to take it one day at a time (cue schnieder and his wicked cool tool belt...)....i am so grateful for a wonderful, calm, peaceful, loving day with laughs.  thanks my friends, you are priceless. xoxo

white knuckling today

it is mentally exhausting changing. it's like constantly running...like forrest gump or one of those people that walks/runs across the US to bring awareness to a cause, yet i can't stop running. if i stop, i'm done. a slow jog would be great right about now, but i suppose my HP has other plans for me. not particularly fond of the other plans and quite frankly i'm holding a bit of a resentment towards my HP, but in time, it will be revealed why i have to go through what i am going through. 
being uncomfortable with being uncomfortable is one of the most powerful struggles i have gone through to date during sobriety. how do you handle that? you have to live it, accept it, feel it and sit with it until it goes away.  being present, i suppose.  i rather be present when everything is pleasant, but that isn't life.  when did i lose the ability to deal with life in a healthy way? did i ever have the capability to do so? i can't answer that. all i know is that the sun rises and the sun sets; everything else is a mystery. 
i am still a mom, i am still a wife and i'm still 'me'.  but i don't know who the fuck i am. i truly have no idea. some days i think i do, and come to find out, i don't. all i know is i'm a recovering alcoholic. that doesn't necessarily define me, but it does put some sort of identification to the personality. getting sober with kids and a man you have been with for 14 yrs is hard. it is excruciating at times.  putting yourself first so that you can be the mom and the wife is not an easy task. it goes against my nature and probably a lot of other womens nature as well. we are caretakers. we give ourselves away (or at least i do) to others first and then we are the afterthought. i guess i should speak for myself.  that's how i feel and that is how i've always operated.  i have 36 years of thinking to undo.  i can turn any situation into my fault. why? that's all i know. some days i feel like i just came out of a coma and i am re-learning every single thing about being alive.  no joke. trying to remember to eat, trying to think things through, trying to take care of my basic needs in general and then add the family to that and it's overwhelming at best. god knows i'm not the only woman in recovery going through this. i do know that.  and today when i lost my shit and started blubbering in my meeting and ran to the bathroom, three women immediately came in to comfort me. i've had texts all day from friends in the fellowship and phone calls making sure i am alright.  today is '5 minutes at a time' kind of day.  i am hanging by a thread and ready to fall into the abyss.. but i have to remember that i have a ladder of people to keep me up.  even though i don't care right now, they do. how is that? it's amazing. i just don't know.
i just have to get through today. i just can't have a drink today. i have to feel the uncomfortableness today. i do. no one ever died of being uncomfortable..just like no one ever got pulled over for fat driving (would love to take credit for that one, but it's in an AA book).  5 minutes at a time. that is all i am capable of today and i have to have to have to accept that. i can NOT do it all and do it all the time. i can't. and no expects that of me other than me. character defect 101.